There's been a lot of chatter the last week or so about the case in New Jersey of a girl suing her parents for child support and college costs, among other things. This article discusses some of the state laws that affect parents when it comes to paying for college. Rules vary from state to state, but in some states where parents generally have the right to tell the kids that they're on their own when it comes to paying for college, divorced parents may find themselves footing the bill.
When I took Family Law last year, this topic generated some interesting discussion. Basically, the idea is that divorced, noncustodial parents statistically tend to drift away from their kids and not provide for them to the same extent that married or custodial parents do. Requiring noncustodial parents to pay for college is seen as a way of remedying that situation and leveling the playing field for those kids.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Scientific child of divorce
The folks over at Scientific American paint a fairly rosy picture for children of divorce in this article. Interestingly, while they included Judith Wallerstein's The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, they do not mention Elizabeth Marquardt's Between Two Worlds which looks at some of the subtler long-term effects of divorce in kids who otherwise appear just fine. Still, if you're looking for some good news, the SA article may be just the thing for you.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Falling and getting back up again
Mark 14 recounts the familiar story of Jesus predicting that Peter will deny knowing him three times before the rooster crows -- in other words, before dawn. Peter's fervent promise to stand by Jesus is usually what stands out to me when I read this story. Of course, we know the truth. Jesus was right. All heck broke loose when a bunch of armed guards showed up to arrest Jesus. His followers who had promised to die by his side ran for their lives, leaving Jesus to face the soldiers and priests on his own. Peter lurked nearby but denied any affiliation with Jesus when confronted by those in the crowd.
What struck me as I read this passage today, though, was something different. Back in verse 27, Jesus begins by telling the disciples that they will all desert him. But then in verse 28 he says, "But after I am raised from the dead, I will go ahead of you to Galilee and meet you there."
These words seem like a foretaste of grace and forgiveness. Jesus has just informed his closest friends that they will abandon him in his hour of greatest need. But then he turns around and tells them that he'll be waiting for them at a pre-arranged meeting spot. No scolding or shaming, no guilt trips. Just a simple, "Yep, you're going to turn your back on me, and then we'll meet up later." Clean slate. And the sure knowledge that even though they are going to abandon him for awhile, they'll be back by his side before long.
Yes, Jesus could see their future failures. But he was also aware of -- and careful to tell them about -- their future obedience and his future grace.
What struck me as I read this passage today, though, was something different. Back in verse 27, Jesus begins by telling the disciples that they will all desert him. But then in verse 28 he says, "But after I am raised from the dead, I will go ahead of you to Galilee and meet you there."
These words seem like a foretaste of grace and forgiveness. Jesus has just informed his closest friends that they will abandon him in his hour of greatest need. But then he turns around and tells them that he'll be waiting for them at a pre-arranged meeting spot. No scolding or shaming, no guilt trips. Just a simple, "Yep, you're going to turn your back on me, and then we'll meet up later." Clean slate. And the sure knowledge that even though they are going to abandon him for awhile, they'll be back by his side before long.
Yes, Jesus could see their future failures. But he was also aware of -- and careful to tell them about -- their future obedience and his future grace.
Thursday, March 06, 2014
A friend in the neighborhood
I am convinced it is no coincidence that Mister Rogers--the sweater-wearing, singing, owner of a secret puppet wonderland--thrived on television during the late 60s and 70s. At a time when divorce rates were skyrocketing and children were reeling, who better to spend a little time with each day than someone who told you that you were special, that you were listened to, that your feelings mattered.
I was reminded of this recently as I watched the documentary "Mister Rogers and Me" on PBS. In one of the opening bits, Wagner tells the story he recounts in his blog here, about Mister Rogers asking about his parents' divorce. The story is just as any kid who grew up watching the show would imagine: Mister Rogers talking about something no one else wants to talk about with kids, giving the kid permission to express what he's feeling, and then letting it all end with a comforting and mood-changing song that says 'even in the midst of sad things, at least we still have each other.'
No wonder we all loved him.
I was reminded of this recently as I watched the documentary "Mister Rogers and Me" on PBS. In one of the opening bits, Wagner tells the story he recounts in his blog here, about Mister Rogers asking about his parents' divorce. The story is just as any kid who grew up watching the show would imagine: Mister Rogers talking about something no one else wants to talk about with kids, giving the kid permission to express what he's feeling, and then letting it all end with a comforting and mood-changing song that says 'even in the midst of sad things, at least we still have each other.'
No wonder we all loved him.
Wednesday, March 05, 2014
Child of television divorce
I don't watch Parenthood, but this article caught my eye. Apparently, one of the families on the show is going through a divorce and a recent episode captured the kids' perspective of being caught in the middle while mom and dad are going their separate ways. The article is worth a read, whether you watch the show or not.
Tuesday, March 04, 2014
Divorce, Hawaiian style
Last week's episode of Hawaii Five-O featured a two-generation story of divorce. Melanie Griffith plays Danno's mom. (Which leads me to wonder, when did Melanie Griffith get old enough to play the mother of a police detective? How time flies.) Danno is expecting his parents to come for a visit, but his mother arrives alone and announces that she is leaving his father.
Later in the episode, Danno talks with his daughter and his mom about his own divorce and how hard it was to tell his daughter that he and her mother were not going to be married anymore. His daughter tells Danno that she remembers that night well and remembers that he then went into his own room and she could hear him crying.
The episode is an interesting twist on a familiar theme. Instead of a character's impending divorce dredging up memories of his parents' divorce, here the parents' impending divorce is bringing back a flood of memories and emotions about his own divorce -- and about his feelings of failure and disappointment as a father.
Later in the episode, Danno talks with his daughter and his mom about his own divorce and how hard it was to tell his daughter that he and her mother were not going to be married anymore. His daughter tells Danno that she remembers that night well and remembers that he then went into his own room and she could hear him crying.
The episode is an interesting twist on a familiar theme. Instead of a character's impending divorce dredging up memories of his parents' divorce, here the parents' impending divorce is bringing back a flood of memories and emotions about his own divorce -- and about his feelings of failure and disappointment as a father.
Monday, March 03, 2014
Monday devo: Intentional loss
This week's sermon at church was on Mark 8:35, "For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it." The pastor followed this with a call to service, to give up one's time and comfort so that others can experience God's grace through our acts.
This verse reminds me of the words of Jim Elliott, who literally gave his life for the sake of the Gospel: "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose."
Jesus was crucified, many of his disciples gave their lives in martyrdom, and even Jim Elliott was murdered on the mission field. In our comfortable, suburban, SUV and latte filled world, we are unlikely to be asked to die for our faith. But these words still ring true in our reality. We are called on quite often to sacrifice our desires, our time, our comfort, our idea of how things should work, our plans and hopes and dreams, so that others can know Jesus or understand a little more about God or see grace in our eyes and our hands.
When these moments of calling occur, we have a choice. We can surrender, giving up our selves and our lives for someone else. When we choose this, we so often find that we are the winners. We gain the joy of seeing someone else come closer to God, the joy of knowing we have done something good, the joy of having a purpose and a role to fill. Or, we can hold tightly to our ways and our desires, carefully protecting the world we have worked so hard to create for ourselves. But when we choose this option, we often find that, rather than gaining something, we have lost something of tremendous value. We lose the opportunity to experience joy, but we also often lose so much more. In our rush to protect our lives, we find that life becomes empty, hollow, without purpose. What were we working so hard to protect? And why does it seem further off than ever?
This verse reminds me of the words of Jim Elliott, who literally gave his life for the sake of the Gospel: "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose."
Jesus was crucified, many of his disciples gave their lives in martyrdom, and even Jim Elliott was murdered on the mission field. In our comfortable, suburban, SUV and latte filled world, we are unlikely to be asked to die for our faith. But these words still ring true in our reality. We are called on quite often to sacrifice our desires, our time, our comfort, our idea of how things should work, our plans and hopes and dreams, so that others can know Jesus or understand a little more about God or see grace in our eyes and our hands.
When these moments of calling occur, we have a choice. We can surrender, giving up our selves and our lives for someone else. When we choose this, we so often find that we are the winners. We gain the joy of seeing someone else come closer to God, the joy of knowing we have done something good, the joy of having a purpose and a role to fill. Or, we can hold tightly to our ways and our desires, carefully protecting the world we have worked so hard to create for ourselves. But when we choose this option, we often find that, rather than gaining something, we have lost something of tremendous value. We lose the opportunity to experience joy, but we also often lose so much more. In our rush to protect our lives, we find that life becomes empty, hollow, without purpose. What were we working so hard to protect? And why does it seem further off than ever?
Thursday, February 27, 2014
If I seem a little crazy...
...this may be why! By the time I was in the 6th grade, I'd been to six different schools (not counting preschool) and lived in five different states.
Oh, and thanks very much to my brother who sent this article to me. What exactly is he implying?
Kidding aside, as much as I changed schools early on, my parents tried to make the transitions a little easier on me by sending me to Christian schools that all used roughly the same curriculum with minor variations. I may have been the new kid, but gosh darn it, I'd used the same reading and math books all the other kids had the previous school year. A small thing, perhaps, but it helped. And, from the article linked above, it seems any small help may be a big thing for the transient child.
Oh, and thanks very much to my brother who sent this article to me. What exactly is he implying?
Kidding aside, as much as I changed schools early on, my parents tried to make the transitions a little easier on me by sending me to Christian schools that all used roughly the same curriculum with minor variations. I may have been the new kid, but gosh darn it, I'd used the same reading and math books all the other kids had the previous school year. A small thing, perhaps, but it helped. And, from the article linked above, it seems any small help may be a big thing for the transient child.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
The face of love
I'm such a sucker for stories like this one, where life takes an unexpected, horrifying turn and love shines through.
They stand in such stark contrast to an interview I remember watching years ago, one of those Barbara Walters specials, with John and Bo Derek. For those too young to remember, Bo was the star of the movie "10" that famously included a scene of her in blond cornrow braids jogging in a swimsuit. During the interview, perhaps sensing that John was infatuated rather than in love, Walters asked him whether he would stay with Bo if she were disfigured in a car accident and got the response she must have sensed was coming: "No." I was a teenager at the time of the interview and still remember the look of embarrassment and pain on Bo's face. John Derek has since died and, happily, Bo seems to have found a steadier love in John Corbett. Here's John C. telling the story of their first date.
They stand in such stark contrast to an interview I remember watching years ago, one of those Barbara Walters specials, with John and Bo Derek. For those too young to remember, Bo was the star of the movie "10" that famously included a scene of her in blond cornrow braids jogging in a swimsuit. During the interview, perhaps sensing that John was infatuated rather than in love, Walters asked him whether he would stay with Bo if she were disfigured in a car accident and got the response she must have sensed was coming: "No." I was a teenager at the time of the interview and still remember the look of embarrassment and pain on Bo's face. John Derek has since died and, happily, Bo seems to have found a steadier love in John Corbett. Here's John C. telling the story of their first date.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Some lines are not meant to be blurred
Blurring the lines between people who are your spouse and people who are not is not a great recipe for longevity in marriage, as Mr. and Mrs. Robin Thicke are apparently learning.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Monday devo: Protecting what's really important
This morning I'm reading Mark 7:1-23, one of the many passages where Jesus chastises the "Pharisees and teachers of religious law." He did this a lot, calling them out for their hypocrisy and the way they liked to burden the people with made up rules that may have been intended for good originally but had come to be more important than the good they were supposed to accomplish. As Jesus put it in verse 8, "For you ignore God's specific laws and substitute your own traditions."
Last week, I read a conversation (for lack of a better word) on the internet. A group of Christians were skewering another Christian because he took a different view than they did on an issue. And not a moral issue, but rather a political issue. In their minds, it seemed, to take any position other than their own was a sin. "Why don't your disciples follow our age-old customs? For they eat without first performing the hand-washing ceremony." (Mark 7:5)
While I'm bothered still by the conversation I read, I'm challenged this week to think about the things -- ideas, traditions, etc. -- that I work so hard to protect that have little real value. What burdens am I imposing on those around me because I think they should act or think a certain way when really, like the Pharisees, I'm simply imposing my own made up rules?
Last week, I read a conversation (for lack of a better word) on the internet. A group of Christians were skewering another Christian because he took a different view than they did on an issue. And not a moral issue, but rather a political issue. In their minds, it seemed, to take any position other than their own was a sin. "Why don't your disciples follow our age-old customs? For they eat without first performing the hand-washing ceremony." (Mark 7:5)
While I'm bothered still by the conversation I read, I'm challenged this week to think about the things -- ideas, traditions, etc. -- that I work so hard to protect that have little real value. What burdens am I imposing on those around me because I think they should act or think a certain way when really, like the Pharisees, I'm simply imposing my own made up rules?
Friday, February 21, 2014
Friday Fun
Head on over to the Child of Divorce, Child of God facebook page for a chance to win an autographed copy of the book!
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Speaking of sweet songs
I'm loving this season of American Idol. I had stopped watching, in part because the judges had become so snarky and childish, but with Keith Urban and Harry Connick, Jr. in the judges' seats this season I tuned in and now I'm hooked. Besides both being fantastic musicians who are being respectful, honest, and encouraging with the contestants, Keith has such a sweet manner and Harry is hilarious and not bad on the eyes.
So last week, they aired just a clip of a song by one of the young hopefuls Sam Woolf, an original that he said he wrote when his mother left. I found the full song on his YouTube page. The lyrics are sometimes a little hard to follow in the performance, but the melody is very nice. If you're a fan, tune in to American Idol because he made the cut last week and will be back to perform another day.
So last week, they aired just a clip of a song by one of the young hopefuls Sam Woolf, an original that he said he wrote when his mother left. I found the full song on his YouTube page. The lyrics are sometimes a little hard to follow in the performance, but the melody is very nice. If you're a fan, tune in to American Idol because he made the cut last week and will be back to perform another day.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Sweet song
OK, I admit it. I'm a convert to country music. I grew up on Madonna and Def Leppard, but somewhere along the way pop music took a turn -- and, yes, I got older. The techno vibes and oversexed lyrics just became too much.
When my youngest brother moved in with me for a few years awhile back, he brought with him a love for country music that I tolerated at first, and then found myself drawn into. This has as much to do with a migration of country music as it does with a migration of pop. Country music today feels like it has more in common with the pop music of my youth than what passes for pop today. With Keith Urban on American Idol and Blake Shelton on The Voice, I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in thinking this way.
All that to say, I'm a late adopter of the country music bandwagon. So, while this is an old song, it was new to me when I heard it recently. The words of this song were so sweet and reminded me of things I've heard many children of divorce say about their own journey into parenthood.
When my youngest brother moved in with me for a few years awhile back, he brought with him a love for country music that I tolerated at first, and then found myself drawn into. This has as much to do with a migration of country music as it does with a migration of pop. Country music today feels like it has more in common with the pop music of my youth than what passes for pop today. With Keith Urban on American Idol and Blake Shelton on The Voice, I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in thinking this way.
All that to say, I'm a late adopter of the country music bandwagon. So, while this is an old song, it was new to me when I heard it recently. The words of this song were so sweet and reminded me of things I've heard many children of divorce say about their own journey into parenthood.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Monday devo: Pity and anger
As promised, this is a new feature. I hope to publish a short piece every Monday, writing about something I've been reading in the Bible. Because what better way to start Monday than to start it with God.
Last night, I was reading these words in the first chapter of the gospel of Mark: "A man with leprosy came and knelt in front of Jesus, begging to be healed. 'If you want to, you can make me well again,' he said. Moved with pity, Jesus touched him. 'I want to,' he said. 'Be healed.' Instantly the leprosy disappeared--the man was healed." (Mark 1:40-42).
Next to the phrase "moved with pity" was an asterisk that led me to a note at the bottom of the page that read "Some manuscripts read 'moved with anger.'"
I find it so interesting that these two words would be used in this situation. Pity denotes sorrow and compassion, and certainly we often feel sorrow for and compassion on those who are suffering. "I'm so sorry for your loss." "I'm sorry this happened to you."
But anger is also a common and natural reaction to suffering. If we know who caused the suffering, we feel angry at them. Other times we feel angry at God, at fate, at the universe, at life. Things were supposed to be different and someone or something is to blame. If we want to sound spiritual, we might call it righteous indignation. Anger.
Whether our reaction to suffering is pity or anger would seem to depend on our perspective. Are we focused on the person who is suffering? Pity that poor person. Are we focused on the cause of the suffering? How dare that person/thing cause this kind of suffering.
As he so often did, my guess is that Jesus managed to capture both sides at once in perfect balance -- pity for the sufferer, anger at the thing that causes suffering to be part of our world.
A reminder to me as I start this week to not overlook the real plight of people in my righteous indignation and to remember in the face of suffering that this is not the way things are supposed to be.
Last night, I was reading these words in the first chapter of the gospel of Mark: "A man with leprosy came and knelt in front of Jesus, begging to be healed. 'If you want to, you can make me well again,' he said. Moved with pity, Jesus touched him. 'I want to,' he said. 'Be healed.' Instantly the leprosy disappeared--the man was healed." (Mark 1:40-42).
Next to the phrase "moved with pity" was an asterisk that led me to a note at the bottom of the page that read "Some manuscripts read 'moved with anger.'"
I find it so interesting that these two words would be used in this situation. Pity denotes sorrow and compassion, and certainly we often feel sorrow for and compassion on those who are suffering. "I'm so sorry for your loss." "I'm sorry this happened to you."
But anger is also a common and natural reaction to suffering. If we know who caused the suffering, we feel angry at them. Other times we feel angry at God, at fate, at the universe, at life. Things were supposed to be different and someone or something is to blame. If we want to sound spiritual, we might call it righteous indignation. Anger.
Whether our reaction to suffering is pity or anger would seem to depend on our perspective. Are we focused on the person who is suffering? Pity that poor person. Are we focused on the cause of the suffering? How dare that person/thing cause this kind of suffering.
As he so often did, my guess is that Jesus managed to capture both sides at once in perfect balance -- pity for the sufferer, anger at the thing that causes suffering to be part of our world.
A reminder to me as I start this week to not overlook the real plight of people in my righteous indignation and to remember in the face of suffering that this is not the way things are supposed to be.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Blog reboot
Hello friends! After another long hiatus, I hope to be back and posting regularly. I hope you'll join the conversation. In addition to the material that has been on this blog in the past, there will be some new features. I'm excited to be back and sharing this journey with you.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Seeing with eyes of love
"Some people don't take their vows seriously," Donnie said. "This woman did." See more here.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Hello from a long lost friend
Dear blog friends, this has been mostly a static blog for some time now since I entered law school last year. I greatly appreciate all of you who are still reading (wow, there are a lot of you!) and those of you who have emailed me with comments and questions. Keep them coming!
Child of Divorce, Child of God is now available on WORDSearch and on the Kindle. The print edition is going out of print, so the electronic versions may be your best option if you cannot find a print copy in a bookstore or online book retailer.
Child of Divorce, Child of God is now available on WORDSearch and on the Kindle. The print edition is going out of print, so the electronic versions may be your best option if you cannot find a print copy in a bookstore or online book retailer.
Friday, January 29, 2010
More accessible than ever
Child of Divorce, Child of God is now available on Read How You Want, an online bookstore that provides customized large-print editions for people with visual impairment.
Thursday, January 07, 2010
Blowing into the Windy City
If you're in the Chicago area, you can hear me, live, on the radio this coming Monday, January 11, at 11 a.m. Central time, on WMBI 90.1FM. Or listen online at their web site. I'll be talking with host Nancy Turner about my book, Child of Divorce, Child of God: A Journey of Hope and Healing.
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