Little People, Big Marriage Problems

The stars of "Little People, Big World" are attempting a trial separation. Putting your family through the rigors of reality TV has been a tough gig for more families than the Roloffs. Here's hoping they can work things out and find a way to keep this 26 year marriage together.

There's an app for that

Anything that helps divorced parents have less conflict is a good thing. Check out this article about an app that helps make the financial side of divorce with children a little easier and less acrimonious.

Jon & Kate + 8 children of divorce

Diane Singer, one of my fellow bloggers at The Point has weighed in on the reality show that will apparently follow 8 new children of divorce:

Though I have seen only a few of the episodes, I find the news of the Gosselins' impending divorce a cause to grieve -- for these children and for this couple, who seem to think wealth and fame are more important than marriage and family. How I wish Jon and Kate would turn off the cameras, get into marriage counseling, and -- for the sake of their eight children -- act like adults rather than glory hounds.

Dear Abby....

...please tell parents not to be hateful toward their children during a divorce. Honestly, what made this mom think this was EVER appropriate to share with her daughter? Good grief.

Letting the (basketball) courts decide

I love this story on CNN's web site. This high school basketball coach in northern Ireland has formed a team of kids from the two sides of the religious and political spectrum, something of a miracle in a land that has seen decades of violence over those issues. What's even more inspiring, though, is that the kids on his team are all from broken homes.

These kids have all experienced conflict that could not be resolved--the conflict between their parents--but now they're being shown that perhaps even bigger conflicts can be resolved. What an amazing life lesson for them. Kudos to the coach and let's hope these guys can keep playing in peace and show their countrymen that our differences don't have to divide us.

Now you see Dad, now you don't

Children of divorce sometimes talk about having to be selective in their memories, parsing out the stories of vacations and holidays and fun times depending on which parent they are with at the moment and which parent was or was not a participant in the original festivities. We lose something of ourselves by having to carefully edit our speech. Now it seems, we're in danger of having our visual memories edited for the comfort and convenience of others as well.

Idealized images, she said, can give people “a new script for dealing with problems families have always had: family members who don’t get along, divorce.”

“If you can’t have the perfect family,” she added, “at least you can Photoshop it.”

HT: Gina Dalfonso

Amy-able wedding advice

Dear Amy: My daughter is getting married this summer. She is 22. Her biological father left us in 1994 for his secretary and has since married her. He pays child support and calls once in a while, but he was distant through her "terrible teens." I remarried in 1996. Our combined kids were 5, 6, 7, 8 and 10 at the time we married. My husband and kids have been close, and now that there is a wedding, the secretary/second wife has contacted our daughter and asked about the ceremony. She wants to make sure my daughter's biological dad walks her down the aisle. She says only the biological dad should do so. The kids and I believe the stepdad should be involved because he has chosen to be a part of the kids' lives for more than 12 years, dealing with cuts, scrapes, car crashes, boys, school, etc.I would not dream of excluding the stepdad or the new step-secretary-wife of the biological dad. This must be a common problem. What do you suggest? How can both dads be involved?—Wondering Mom

Click here to read Amy's sound advice.

Not the reality you wanted

Glenn Sacks, on why a reality TV show aimed at humiliating deadbeat dads is a bad idea:

"The worst part about Bad Dads is the way it publicly humiliates children of divorce by depicting their fathers as not loving or caring for them. These children did not volunteer to be humiliated on national television."

Third time's a charm

I am a child of divorce. My mother married an abusive man, then left him when I was four. I never saw him again.

Mom remarried when I was six to the man I would call Dad, who adopted my brother and me. I barely remember the first father, and the second I idolized. He wanted me, adopted me, gave me his name.

But my adopted father was an attentive, angry, and intelligent man. His mood swings were intense, unsettling, and confusing. I never knew which personality I’d get on any given day, but it was normal for us.

Read the rest of the story and find out about the third Father this child of divorce found here.

Port in a storm

From an article in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette:

Before she reached her 12th birthday, Theresa Chidester found herself pulled in two directions.

Trapped in a messy custody battle surrounding her parents’ divorce, Chidester had to choose between living with her father and moving in with her mother. So instead of listening to her parents, Chidester decided to rely mostly on her lawyer.

“She was more of a parent to me than my parents were,” Chidester, 19, says of Justine Rakich-Kelly, a lawyer who is also the executive director of the Children’s Law Center of Connecticut.

Sitting on the front porch together

I just finished reading the best-selling memoir by Denise Jackson, wife of country music star Alan Jackson, It's All About Him. This book has flown off shelves, and woven through every chapter of this story is the thread of Scripture and God's love. I couldn't help but think about all the people who bought this book for the celebrity story and instead found a story about someone much more famous.

The Jacksons were teenage sweethearts and married young. After eighteen years of marriage, however, Alan had an affair and moved out. During their separation, Denise sought God and learned how to become her own person outside the shadow of her famous husband.

After several months apart, Alan asked Denise on a date. At dinner, he asked his wife how their three girls were handling the separation. Denise angrily responded:

"Their whole world has been torn apart, and you ask how they're doing? Why don't you ask them how it feels to suddenly have your daddy move out, and see what they say? Why don't you tell them all the things that are wrong with me so maybe they'll understand that your leaving us was not my idea? Why don't you tell them why I've been crying for the last three months?"

After that rocky start, the Jacksons eventually reconciled and Alan moved back home. Denise writes:

Tears welled up in my eyes as he told the children that he was here to stay.

"Girls, I want you to know something," he said. "Fifty years from now, when you are grown and have families of your own, your mama and I will still be together. You don't need to worry. We'll be right here, sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch together."

Included in the book (at least in the copy I got from my local library) is a CD with two songs by Alan Jackson. The first shares its title with the book, It's All About Him, and the second is a song that he sang to his wife on their wedding day and again nearly twenty years later when they renewed their vows.

The good divorce on TV

From Reuters comes news of a new comedy series for NBC about a 30-something divorcing couple with kids who continue to live in the same home.

"In the untitled project, which has received a script commitment from the network, the divorcing couple -- a college professor moonlighting as a controversial political blogger, and his wife, who works at a private school and volunteers at a juvenile prison -- don't have enough money to separate right away, so the husband continues to live under the same roof with his wife and their two children, ages 14 and 8."

Judge for yourself

From The Buffalo News:

State Supreme Court Justice Janice Rosa listened to the combative couple before her in matrimonial court, then delivered her message: Grow up.

After all, they chose to get married and have children, she said, admonishing them to take responsibility for their problems.

“These are just immature people,” Rosa said after the couple left. “They chose each other. They didn’t just have some car accident where they ran into each other and decided to sue each other.”

The rest of the article describes the "Children Come First" program being used in Judge Rosa's court and includes some excellent examples of the positive ways our courts can help divorcing families.

No substitute for good judgment

While this may be a cool toy, I have my doubts about how effective software can be at parceling out property during a divorce. Oops, due to a glitch, she got his mother's china. How did that happen?

Funny though, I was just thinking the other day how some folks would like to reduce our court systems to a computer program. Input data, hit enter, out pops the judgment. The whole reason we have judges is so that someone who is impartial and who has been deemed to be wise and knowledgeable can listen to all the facts of a case and make a fair decision. Cases brought before a judge are nuanced and require wisdom, not a rubber stamp. (Rent the movie "12 Angry Men" for a good example of this.) If we are unhappy with the job our judges are doing, we should get rid of the bad judges, not toss out the system.

Marriage-affirming words

Joni Eareckson Tada shared some nuggets of encouragement from her marriage to Ken Tada while speaking with Nancy Leigh DeMoss a few weeks ago. The transcript is well worth reading.

Joni talks about her and Ken's humorous first date, which was a good test of how he'd handle the day to day challenges of marriage to a quadriplegic. She talks about their rocky first year of marriage, and how she sought the Lord for help. And she talks about how she continues to encourage and support her husband.

If you need some encouragement in your marriage or in your singleness, go read this interview.

Creating a safe environment

I linked to a post previously about a program like this, but this article has additional details on how the program works. Called Kids' Corner, this provides a safe environment for children to be handed off from one parent to another in situations where violence or turbulence exists. According to the article, "The program prevents having the children come into contact with police who have to show up and quell the violence with their parents."

Still, some people never learn to get along. "Some cases show up 17 years after the couple splits, as the ex-husband and wife battle over issues, such as who pays the college tuition and who gets to see the grades of the students...'Imagine yourself ready to go off to college and getting a fresh start, but having to come back to court to testify how much scholarship money you will receive and how much you have to pay for tuition.'"

Parenting through divorce

This excellent article on CBSNews.com gives a wealth of info on children of divorce, including how-tos for parenting, reactions to divorce by age of child, advice for post-divorce dating, and these sobering stats:

One in every two marriages ends in divorce.
Two-thirds of these families include minor children, As a result, about 1 million children each year become "children of divorce."
Divorce is the most common problem children face today. It is more prevalent than drug abuse, teenage pregnancy, or the death of a parent.
Currently, about 37 percent of all American children live with a divorced parent. Before reaching 18, about 25 to 35 percent of American children will spend some time in a stepfamily. Two thirds of these children will have step- or half-siblings.