Fallout shelter needed

Huffington Post has a good article up by a child of divorce on the immediate and long-term effects: "Part of the problem with divorce, is that it is impossible to accurately predict the fallout."

Whispers of truth about divorce

These images speak for themselves.

Forgiving the was-band

Kristin Armstrong, ex-wife of cycler Lance Armstrong, speaks about parenting children of divorce in the midst of crisis, something the Armstrong family knows a little about.

Little People, Big Marriage Problems

The stars of "Little People, Big World" are attempting a trial separation. Putting your family through the rigors of reality TV has been a tough gig for more families than the Roloffs. Here's hoping they can work things out and find a way to keep this 26 year marriage together.

College-bound child of divorce

There's been a lot of chatter the last week or so about the case in New Jersey of a girl suing her parents for child support and college costs, among other things. This article discusses some of the state laws that affect parents when it comes to paying for college. Rules vary from state to state, but in some states where parents generally have the right to tell the kids that they're on their own when it comes to paying for college, divorced parents may find themselves footing the bill.

When I took Family Law last year, this topic generated some interesting discussion. Basically, the idea is that divorced, noncustodial parents statistically tend to drift away from their kids and not provide for them to the same extent that married or custodial parents do. Requiring noncustodial parents to pay for college is seen as a way of remedying that situation and leveling the playing field for those kids.

Speaking of sweet songs

I'm loving this season of American Idol. I had stopped watching, in part because the judges had become so snarky and childish, but with Keith Urban and Harry Connick, Jr. in the judges' seats this season I tuned in and now I'm hooked. Besides both being fantastic musicians who are being respectful, honest, and encouraging with the contestants, Keith has such a sweet manner and Harry is hilarious and not bad on the eyes.

So last week, they aired just a clip of a song by one of the young hopefuls Sam Woolf, an original that he said he wrote when his mother left.  I found the full song on his YouTube page. The lyrics are sometimes a little hard to follow in the performance, but the melody is very nice. If you're a fan, tune in to American Idol because he made the cut last week and will be back to perform another day.

Time for some straight talk

Time magazine has a good article on the state of the American family, including the devastating effects of divorce on children. Two snippets:

a lasting covenant between a man and a woman can be a vehicle for the nurture and protection of each other, the one reliable shelter in an uncaring world —or it can be a matchless tool for the infliction of suffering on the people you supposedly love above all others, most of all on your children...

...is marriage an institution that still hews to its old intention and function — to raise the next generation, to protect and teach it, to instill in it the habits of conduct and character that will ensure the generation's own safe passage into adulthood? Think of it this way: the current generation of children, the one watching commitments between adults snap like dry twigs and observing parents who simply can't be bothered to marry each other and who hence drift in and out of their children's lives — that's the generation who will be taking care of us when we are old.

What has to be done

Now, this is a poster child for a child of divorce. Ronetta Alexander managed to run track, get a doctorate in pharmacology, and raise her teenage sister. While "Alexander's friends marvel at her maturity and self-reliance," Ronetta told The State newspaper, "I just thought, it's life. To me, it's life."

Psychobabble child of divorce

The Houston Chronicle did an article recently (which appears to no longer be available online) on John Bradshaw, a popular self-help guru who coined the term "inner child" and, according to the Chronicle, "brought talk of dysfunctional families into the mainstream."

Interestingly, Bradshaw, who is now 75 years old, was a teenage child of divorce.

Why am I not surprised that a child of divorce blossomed in the SELF-help industry?

Dear Abby....

...please tell parents not to be hateful toward their children during a divorce. Honestly, what made this mom think this was EVER appropriate to share with her daughter? Good grief.

Letting the (basketball) courts decide

I love this story on CNN's web site. This high school basketball coach in northern Ireland has formed a team of kids from the two sides of the religious and political spectrum, something of a miracle in a land that has seen decades of violence over those issues. What's even more inspiring, though, is that the kids on his team are all from broken homes.

These kids have all experienced conflict that could not be resolved--the conflict between their parents--but now they're being shown that perhaps even bigger conflicts can be resolved. What an amazing life lesson for them. Kudos to the coach and let's hope these guys can keep playing in peace and show their countrymen that our differences don't have to divide us.

Newsweek on divorce

Newsweek has a good article on the challenges of post-divorce parenting from the parent's perspective, along with a video featuring a 14-year-old girl talking about her daily life shuttling between two parents.

Reality check for mom

From an Ask Amy column, a reader writes about her daughter's lingering emotions four years after the parents' divorce:

But my youngest daughter, 15, is having the hardest time coming to terms with it all. She is moody, gets upset easily and still yearns for life as it was before. She was very close to her dad, but he does only an average job of staying in touch with her. But I feel by now she should be used to life as it is.

How much longer is this going to take?

Oh, dear. At least Amy was willing to serve up a little reality for this mother. Read her answer here.

Learning to juggle

From Dr. Joyce Brothers' column:

DEAR DR. BROTHERS: I'm 16 years old, and I play three sports and am an editor on the school paper in addition to volunteering at the local hospital and our homeless shelter. I've been dreaming of going to a top Ivy League school my whole life, and I'm doing everything I can to get in. I'm terrified that I won't get in, and I'm totally stressed out. On top of all this, my parents are getting a divorce. It's really hard to be at home, and I don't know what to do. How can I keep my schoolwork up, keep doing all my extracurricular stuff and keep my home life together? -- D.H.

Splitting pennies

Financial planner Linda Leitz has a new book out to help divorced parents talk with their kids about money. Called "We Need to Talk: Money & Kids After Divorce," Leitz's book is designed to help parents understand how the financial strains of divorce affect children and how they can help children feel able to do their part to make things easier financially without feeling the adult-sized burden of financial worries.

Beyond the headline

This headline keeps popping up in my inbox:

Study: Impact of divorce on kids less damaging

For years, social scientists have believed that children of divorce have had more behavior problems than kids growing up in two-parent homes.

But the impact may not be as damaging as previously believed, according to new research to be released Friday.

Instead of comparing these youngsters to those with intact families - the usual methodology - a more accurate assessment would be to evaluate them before and after the marital dissolution, argues Alan Li of the RAND Corp.

or not:

Robert E. Emery, a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia, takes issue with the conclusion. While Li may not have found increased negative behavior, less quantifiable is the hurt that can reverberate across a lifespan, he explained.

"For example, graduation and weddings can be turned into anxiety-ridden events for children whose parents are divorced . . ." Emery wrote in a response to Li's findings.

Redeeming divorce

Check out my post on "Redeeming Divorce" on The Point blog.

One teen's question

From the Detroit News:

(I haven't visited the site mentioned below yet, so I can't vouch for it.)

Bill Sears endured a childhood trauma that has been, and will be, faced by millions. He survived the death of his parents' marriage. He had to pick sides, counsel his parents, and learn how to interpret his feelings. Pretty heavy stuff for a little kid.

Now, nine years later, Bill is as close to an expert on these kinds of things as a 16-year-old can be. And he's willing to help anyone -- parent or kid -- he can.

A voracious reader and researcher, Bill studied divorce law to learn what rights children have. Just as important, he listened -- to friends at first, then to friends of friends, and now to just about anyone. He started billsarena.com, the self-described "Internet's Best Divorce Site for Kids by a Kid." It's a blog, a forum, and a news portal for information on parenting.

"I saw what I had gone through, and I didn't think it was right. No kid should go through this," Bill said. "It took a brutal emotional toll on me. I was 7 or 8 and they split. It was a metaphorical tug of war and I just want to say: Are you aware, parents?"

No way to tell

From a book review of Graham Swift's novel, Tomorrow:

The parents of 16-year-old twins plan to announce their divorce to the children -- tomorrow. Thus, much of the novel happens the night before, inside the mother's insomniacal mind. (This is not to betray any surprise -- the reader learns of the announcement on page 5.) And yes, Swift is writing from a female point of view.

The story, then, is of the night before tomorrow, as Paula, the wife and mother, replays her married life -- the full story which she would like to tell her children -- while her husband slumbers next to her. Of course, there is no way to tell the children of divorce the whole story, so a wistfulness falls over her recollections. Really, she is telling herself the story of her marriage, and this is the heart of the novel.

The New Yorker panned this novel (see Amazon's editorial reviews) and I'm not rushing out to read it. But I was intrigued by the reviewer's statement above that "of course, there is no way to tell the children of divorce the whole story." I'm sure that's true in the sense that there are things that happen between two people in a marriage--especially one that lasts 16+ years--that no one else is going to fully understand. And I would certainly agree that parents don't need to (and probably shouldn't) trot out every detail of their marriage's failures for their kids' inspection. Still, it troubles me--not that the novelist would depict the mother as feeling this way, but that the reviewer would accept it as absolute truth.

Then again, maybe it just struck me as a vivid contrast to the post I just did on the NPR "This I Believe" essay.

Tips from a kid

Vanessa Van Petten has an article on her web site with 4 tips for parents to make life easier on children of divorce -- from someone who's been there:

1. Get doubles of everything
2. Make a launching pad
3. Send out a memo
4. Find other young people