Divorce, Hawaiian style

Last week's episode of Hawaii Five-O featured a two-generation story of divorce. Melanie Griffith plays Danno's mom. (Which leads me to wonder, when did Melanie Griffith get old enough to play the mother of a police detective? How time flies.) Danno is expecting his parents to come for a visit, but his mother arrives alone and announces that she is leaving his father.

Later in the episode, Danno talks with his daughter and his mom about his own divorce and how hard it was to tell his daughter that he and her mother were not going to be married anymore. His daughter tells Danno that she remembers that night well and remembers that he then went into his own room and she could hear him crying.

The episode is an interesting twist on a familiar theme. Instead of a character's impending divorce dredging up memories of his parents' divorce, here the parents' impending divorce is bringing back a flood of memories and emotions about his own divorce -- and about his feelings of failure and disappointment as a father.

Playing the trump card

From an article about Child of Divorce, Child of God on the Christian Grandparenting Network web site:

If you have ever played a card game involving the use of a "trump" card or suit, you know the frustration of playing what you think is a winning hand only to have it trumped by someone else. Now is the time for Christians to play our "trump card" -- our belief in an all powerful and loving God...As grandparents, we know all about the ravages of divorce, even as Christians. If you are living with the reality of divorce in your family, this is a place where "intentionality" is crucial. We are in a unique position to help our grandchildren of divorce find healing and hope. But it means we must build a solid framework of truth about the God who IS, and that He really does care about the burdens and wounds they bear.

No silver lining

From the London Times Online:

When Jackie Warren’s three younger grandchildren were christened last year, her son found himself caught between his parents, who had divorced six years earlier after 36 years of marriage. Warren, 62, recalls: “I couldn’t face going because my son had invited my exhusband’s new partner. My son thought it was reasonable since they had been together for a couple of years, and he also invited my new partner. It tore me apart. But looking back I can see that my son was trying to do the right thing for his father. He was in an impossible position.”

Denise Knowles, of Relate, says: “One of the myths about divorce is that, if the children are older, they cope better. But it’s a double whammy for the middle generation of adult children who have to manage their own loss, grief and anger as well as dealing with their children’s emotions and anxieties about their grandparents splitting up. “Even if the divorce is seen as a positive step after years of unhappiness, the adult children still have to explain the situation to their own children, who may be thinking: If it can happen to Grandma and Grandpa, when is it going to happen to Mum and Dad? So they need huge amounts of reassurance.”

More on Parents of Divorce

From the New York Times:

THE breakup of the marriage brought Ina Chadwick heartache, guilt and financial hardship. The divorce, she said, tore away from her everything in her “Cinderella dream.”

But the divorce she so ruefully speaks about was her daughter’s, not her own.

For Parents of Divorce

An article on a new book out for people whose children are going through a divorce describes the book as one that "gives parents a five-stage guide through a child's divorce, from how to accept the news to how to refocus and rebuild, especially if the child eventually remarries."

Knowing what not to do

A few years before he died, my Grandpa C. wrote an autobiography. In his late teens, he found out what he didn't want to do with his life:

In the summer of 1943 I got a factory job working at the CB&Q Foundry in the machine shop. Bob worked there and he got me the job. The whole summer I stood at an automatic drill drilling two holes into small plugs, which fit into the small hole in the end of barrels. I thought I had drilled enough of these pieces to last forever. After standing at that drill all summer, I made up my mind that I was going to do something besides work in a factory. A summer of this was enough for a life time.

Grandpa taught us a valuable lesson. It's okay to try something and decide it's not for you.

Somehow, with two grandfathers who were skilled carpenters, I managed to inherit not a single carpentry gene. A few weeks ago, my silverware drawer broke; or, more precisely, the slide mechanism broke. Not a problem, said I. I am woman, hear me operate a Dremel. But as Scripture says, pride goes before a fall. And as I recall, the Proverbs 31 woman was nowhere praised as a whiz with a hammer and screws.

I followed all the directions for the new slide with just a few muttered curse words as I contorted my body to fit inside the cabinet. I drilled, screwed, realized I'd measured wrong, drilled and screwed again, only to find in the final analysis that the whole assembly is mounted ever so slightly too low. There is a small gap showing above the drawer front and it's all just a little atilt.

Fortunately, I have picked up one good skill through the years: knowing when to walk away before the tears spill over. I would a thousand times rather be sitting here at the computer telling you the story, in a humorous fashion, than be down in the kitchen drilling and screwing for a third time over. I am officially crossing "carpenter" off the list of jobs I might want to have someday.

Children who divorce

I'm not surprised to see this article, and glad that someone is addressing the needs of parents whose children are going through a divorce. Parents have dreams for their children, but those dreams never include divorce. When people divorce, the effects ripple through an entire family. More and more parents have to deal with their own grief at seeing their children divorce. When grandchildren are involved, the issue is complicated further since grandparents have no legal right to visitation except in very rare cases.

She's alive!

The blog has been a little quiet lately, and I apologize. The holidays have been busy and I've been working hard on interviews for the book. (By the way, I need more women to share their stories of being the child of divorced parents. Email me if you'd like to volunteer.) I've also got a couple of other writing assignments I'm working on, houseguests in and out, my regular full-time job, and I'm looking for just the right puppy to adopt. Welcome to January!

Over the holidays, we made a trip to New Jersey to retrieve some furniture and whatnot from Gram's house. She's in a nursing home now. She and Grandma C. are the only grandparents I have left, which feels really odd. When I was born, I had both sets of grandparents, three sets of great-grandparents, and a great-great-grandmother--that's 11 grands! (I have a really cool picture, which I'm too lazy to scan and post right now, of five generations of Steakleys--hunched-over great-great-grandma Steakley on one end of the sofa, and teeny newborn me cradled in my dad's lap at the other end.) I lost great-great-grandma, and three of my great-grandparents when I was little; but I acquired a whole new set of grandparents when my mom remarried. True, one was a pudding-stealer, but still they were grandparents, and grandparents are cool.

So this is officially "hug a grandparent day." Even if you've got a lot, they won't last forever. Hug 'em while you can.

Good news for one family

According to one source, "Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards have decided to call a truce in their nasty divorce battle and spend quality time together for the sake of their children. The former couple have been waging war with each other for the past 10 months, but decided to put their differences aside in August to resolve any outstanding issues related to their divorce."

I blogged about the woes of the Sheen/Richards split-up as it related to their kids way back in May. It's good to see that they're finally heeding Grandpa Sheen's plea for a cease-fire.

Grandparents are a critical link

From an article by Kidsfirst founder Margo MacPhail:

"Knowing they are part of a long line of family history, personal experiences and a childhood filled with family relationships to share with their own children one day, will not only help them in their life’s journey in discovering who they are but moreover provides a family connection during a time when their family is disconnecting."

Margo is a child of divorce, so she's writing from personal experience. Like Margo, I see, especially in hindsight, the importance of grandparents in the life of the child of divorce. My dad's parents flew me out every summer to spend several weeks with them. They are the main reason I maintained any contact with my dad. Because of them, I have a sense of history and belonging to the Steakley clan, along with a host of delightful memories--summers in the Illinois countryside, riding motorbikes and a riding mower, eating biscuits and gravy with all the old folks at a little dive of a restaurant, family potlucks in the garage, baby rabbits in a burrow along the house, frogs and crickets squawking all night long. I was their only grandchild, so I know it meant a lot to them; but I also know it required a lot. They had to keep in touch with a former daughter-in-law, my mother, if they wanted to arrange visits, get midyear updates, know how I did on my report card. There were years when they sacrificed their own time with me to send me on a visit with my dad. And they worked hard to make sure that he and I stayed in touch.

They're both gone now. I miss you, Ponci and Grandpa!

A grandparent's perspective

"I wish I could have given my grandchildren all the answers that would heal their broken hearts. For a time I believed I could control everything. I believed that my life with my grandchildren would not change because I would not allow it.

"But as the lives of my grandchildren changed with the divorce, so did my life and dreams for them."

The full article is here.

Dissing doesn't work

From Ask Amy, Grandma is concerned about her grandchildren because her more-than-likely soon-to-be-ex-daughter-in-law "lines them up in front of their father and tells them what's wrong with him. She tells them that their father doesn't love them."

Newsflash to Mom: This is a strategy bound to backfire. And Grandma should know that her best strategy is to hug the grandkids, shower them with love, and reassure them that their father loves them more than anything. Oh, and warm chocolate chip cookies can't hurt either.

Grandparents play a crucial role

From Dr. Joyce Brothers:
"Grandparents like you are always important to children and to the general welfare of families and family life, but after a divorce, they become even more vital in terms of helping to heal a child's shattered home. They provide a much-needed sense of security, as well as family continuity and strength."

Words from a grandfather

Martin Sheen on his son's divorce and his grandkids:

"'I asked all sides to stop for a minute, to have a cease fire, to heal the wounds and put the fires out and come together a little bit because what's really at stake are the future of these little kids, LOLA and SAM, so that's who we have to focus on right now.'
'It'll end and I have every confidence that both Charlie and Denise will become friends again,' Martin revealed. 'It'll take a while, they have to go through this, but I just hope that they both stop and consider what's at stake for the future of these children.'"