Sweet song

OK, I admit it. I'm a convert to country music.  I grew up on Madonna and Def Leppard, but somewhere along the way pop music took a turn -- and, yes, I got older. The techno vibes and oversexed lyrics just became too much.

When my youngest brother moved in with me for a few years awhile back, he brought with him a love for country music that I tolerated at first, and then found myself drawn into.  This has as much to do with a migration of country music as it does with a migration of pop.  Country music today feels like it has more in common with the pop music of my youth than what passes for pop today. With Keith Urban on American Idol and Blake Shelton on The Voice, I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in thinking this way.

All that to say, I'm a late adopter of the country music bandwagon. So, while this is an old song, it was new to me when I heard it recently.  The words of this song were so sweet and reminded me of things I've heard many children of divorce say about their own journey into parenthood.

Sibling squabbles

Yesterday's Washington Post reported that Cindy McCain has two half-sisters, one of whom is upset that Mrs. McCain talks about herself as an only child. Then, Vanity Fair in Italy broke news that Senator Obama has a half brother who lives in poverty in Kenya.

The implication in both cases seems to be that we should blame the famous half siblings for something, but is that really fair? Who knows what bad blood has passed between Mrs. McCain and her half sister, but I would guess that the half sister's rage is really toward her father who abruptly and without explanation cut her and her children out of an inheritance they apparently expected. Senator Obama has only met his half brother twice. Neither of them ever lived with their half siblings.

I blogged some time ago on the distinctions that children of divorce often make between family relationships. It's not surprising to me that Mrs. McCain and Senator Obama feel disconnected from people who share a parent and little else with them. Mrs. McCain's half sister expressed anger at hearing the Senator's wife describe herself as an "only child," and if she said she was the only child of her father, I can understand the half sister's dismay; but what if she said she was the only child of her father and mother? Another story altogether.

Ah, the complications that divorce brings into our lives!

The other dads

From an op-ed piece in the Baltimore Sun:

...the United States has a proud past of notable stepfathers. George Washington, the "father of our country," was a stepfather to Martha's children. Dr. Seuss was a stepfather, as was the famous baby doctor Benjamin Spock. So too were authors C.S. Lewis and E.B. White, actors Ashton Kutcher and Brad Pitt, Sen. John
Kerry and singer Johnny Cash.

Former Presidents Bill Clinton and Gerald Ford had stepfathers who adopted them. Meriwether Lewis, the great explorer, had a stepfather, as did Booker T. Washington, Charlton Heston, jazz artist George Benson, country singer Shania Twain, authors Anne Perry and Truman Capote, and presidential candidate Barack Obama.

Amy-able wedding advice

Dear Amy: My daughter is getting married this summer. She is 22. Her biological father left us in 1994 for his secretary and has since married her. He pays child support and calls once in a while, but he was distant through her "terrible teens." I remarried in 1996. Our combined kids were 5, 6, 7, 8 and 10 at the time we married. My husband and kids have been close, and now that there is a wedding, the secretary/second wife has contacted our daughter and asked about the ceremony. She wants to make sure my daughter's biological dad walks her down the aisle. She says only the biological dad should do so. The kids and I believe the stepdad should be involved because he has chosen to be a part of the kids' lives for more than 12 years, dealing with cuts, scrapes, car crashes, boys, school, etc.I would not dream of excluding the stepdad or the new step-secretary-wife of the biological dad. This must be a common problem. What do you suggest? How can both dads be involved?—Wondering Mom

Click here to read Amy's sound advice.

One step removed...or not

Every divorce blog out there has been linking to this new study that says divorced people are less likely to be taken care of by their children as they age. I haven't linked to it because I had yet to see anyone saying anything that seemed particularly insightful...until now. Elizabeth Marquardt published an op-ed piece in yesterday's Washington Post on the supposed trend. Here's a short excerpt:

In his study, Temple University's Davey found that aging stepparents were only half as likely as biological parents to receive care from grown children. "Society does not yet have a clear set of expectations for stepchildren's responsibility," he observed.

You can say that again. All stepchildren and stepparents forge a relationship in their own way. Some become deeply attached, some are virtually strangers, many fall somewhere in between. Even when stepchildren and stepparents are close, the deep ambiguity of the relationship can make losing a stepparent to death or divorce a profoundly lonely experience for the child. A friend told me about a colleague who had recently nursed her beloved stepmother, a woman she had grown up with, during a long illness. Even as she mourned her stepmother's death, the woman was mystified and hurt by the lack of support she had received from many friends and co-workers, who'd wondered why she would go out of her way to provide long-term, hands-on care to someone who was "only" a stepmother.

Her story was all too familiar to me. When I was 13, my beloved stepfather took his own life. He and my mother had been divorced for several years, but from the time I was 3 years old until they separated when I was 9, he had been my in-the-home father, a man I'd fallen in love with not long after my mother had. His death was devastating for all of us, but my immense grief, which stretched through my teenage years and into my 20s, was made all the more lonely and isolating because almost no one around me -- friends, teachers, many members of my extended family -- recognized that I'd lost anyone of importance at all.

There are parents who leave, never to be heard from again, who are complete strangers to their natural children. I think we're usually apt to admire children who can overlook years of neglect to care for a parent who falls into this category. By the same token, as Marquardt points out, there are stepparents who hold as deep or deeper a relationship with their stepchildren than do the children's absent natural parent.

Some time ago, I blogged here about the different words we sometimes use to define step relationships. Those words often reveal the different levels of our connectedness to our family members. Until now, no one seemed to be considering this study in light of the varying degrees of connection that children have with their stepfamilies in particular.

Border-crossing divorce

An essay in the Travel section of the New York Times talks about the journeys that children of divorce make, physically and emotionally:

The holidays are synonymous with travel for many people. For me, a child of divorce, add international relations to the Christmas-New Year’s maelstrom. When my parents split in the 1970s, my father moved to Montreal with Susan, the woman who would become his wife and my stepmother. Since I was 6, I’ve gone across the border and back at least 100 times.

I know how it must feel to be a global peace negotiator: needing to be in two places at once, my allegiances split.

Email ease

One of the joys of the blogosphere is getting to know delightful people whose path might otherwise never cross my own. Over the last couple of days, Jill Davis Doughtie has left a couple of comments on my blog here, so like any curious blogger, I clicked on her profile to see who she is. She is one busy lady, that's who she is! Jill has about 80 different blogs (okay, five). Go check them out, cause they're all cool.

Turns out, Jill is a stepmom and one of her blogs is a joint effort with the mother of her stepchildren. I have about ten different things on my 'to do' list today, so I haven't spent much time perusing the blog, but one of the first things that popped up was a post about email. Jill and her husband and his ex-wife have set up a joint email account that they give out as the contact information for their children. So when teachers, coaches, or friends' parents need to get in touch with the parents, all the parents get the message.

What a terrific idea! All the parents know what's going on, the kid doesn't have to squirm with embarrassment at having to give out a gajillion different email addresses, and the teachers etc only have one email address that they need to send everything to.

Kudos to the Doughties for such a great idea that I'm sure makes their lives and their kids lives much simpler!

Focus on home

Jim Daly, who is taking over the reins of Focus on the Family from Jim Dobson, has an excerpt from his autobiographical book Finding Home in this month's newsletter. Daly tells a heart-wrenching story of growing up amid divorce, alcoholism, death, and abandonment. While Jim and Shirley Dobson have been a wonderful Ozzie and Harriet kind of example of marriage and family, it's rather nice and fitting that his successor is someone who has experienced a more difficult journey and found God's peace and joy despite a less-than-storybook upbringing.

(Hat tip to Karen.)

The good stepdad

Since birthmothers often are awarded primary physical custody of children after divorce, a stepfather has a wonderful opportunity to mold a child's daily habits, friendships, values, sense of responsibility and approach to school and to life. Here are some suggestions. [source]

It's really refreshing to see something complementary about stepfathers in the press. Usually, stepfathers are portrayed as potential sources for abuse as "an unrelated male in the house." Does that happen? Sure. The evil stepmother also exists outside of fairy tales. But not every stepparent is evil incarnate. And it's good to see an article that not only acknowledges the very positive role that an active stepfather can have in a child's life, but that also gives stepfathers some tips for how they can engage in that role.

Modeling forgiveness

Now, here's a mom who gets it. (Courtesy of Jen Abbas, whose aunt this mom happens to be.)

If you can't grow up and put aside differences for one day then how will you ever teach your kids forgiveness?

The kids made me do it

I really and truly love the people at DivorceCare. They have done so much to heal broken lives within the church and they have made the church a wonderful place of healing and hope for broken people in the community. I really just can't say enough wonderful things about them. Which is why I was so sad to see this pop up on one of the daily emails they send out:

"Children are the leading cause of second marriages coming to divorce," says Gary Richmond.

Mr. Richmond goes on to say:

"They see the stepparent as the enemy, and they strongly defend the missing parent in the home."

Now, to be fair, the entire rest of the email is focused on positive ways that parents can help their children adjust to a new stepparent, and it is good. But the first part of this quote by Mr. Richmond is rather stunning.

First of all, since when are we blaming children for the failure of their parents' marriages? Hey, I realize there are angelic kids (like me, natch) and then there are holy terrors. The post right before this one covered a marriage program by an organization focused on autism, and certainly parents dealing with disabled children face an added strain on their lives, including their marriages. Parents who lose a child to death often divorce. But, really, we're blaming the kids now? How about adults taking responsibility for their actions and their decisions? How about remembering who the grown ups are?

(And, again, to be fair, I think the whole context of the DivorceCare email does that, but yes, this one statement sets me off.)

Second, I'd like to see the statistics to back up Mr. Richmond's statement. And I'd like to see how those stats are being determined. Because parents are told over and over again to let their kids know that the divorce doesn't have to do with them, it has to do with Mommy and Daddy. And if that's the case, how are we sure that Mommy and Daddy have fixed their issues before hooking up with Stepmommy and Stepdaddy? If Mommy was Runaround Sue in her first marriage to Daddy, chances are she'll be the same way with Stepdaddy, and that sure isn't the fault of little Johnny or Jane, no matter how loyal they feel toward Daddy.

Now, my guess is that Mr. Richmond is instead extrapolating and interpreting data, skewing it to suit his purpose. Yes, I've seen the statistics that say second marriages are more likely to fail than first marriages, and when there are children from the first marriage, that likelihood rises. I don't dispute that. And no, it's not always like the Brady Bunch. It might be difficult and there may be days when Mom and Stepdad or Dad and Stepmom wish they could hang the little brats by their thumbs. But the kids can't march off to divorce court and dissolve the marriage. Only the people who made the vows can break the vows.

So, may I submit to you, my readers, that people filing for divorce are the leading (only) cause of second (any) marriages ending in divorce.

A space in your home

The New York Times has an interesting article on how non-custodial parents make their visiting children feel at home. Here's an excerpt:

Many American children of divorce play a residential version of the schoolyard game Red Rover, shuttling between their parents’ houses. But these children are not just visiting their mothers and fathers. Their parents often remarry or live with partners who have children, and sometimes the new couple has children too. With multiple stepparents, stepsiblings, half siblings and pseudosiblings, it’s a whole new type of family, and with it comes the challenge to design a home where everyone feels welcome. Members of these blended families, as well as psychotherapists, said creating a comfortable and inclusive home is fraught with difficulty. For adults and children alike, having a place in the house has parallels to having a place in the family. Hurt feelings and lasting resentment can spring from something as seemingly mundane as wall color or closet space.

Stepping into a new year

Happy New Year!

Over the holidays, I finished a book of essays, My Father Married Your Mother. Anne Burt, the editor, is a stepmother who collected the musings of other writers who happen to be part of stepfamilies. The great thing about this book is the variety of perspectives it offers. Some essays are written by stepchildren, others by stepparents, some address stepsibling relationships. Most of the step relationships in the book are the result of divorce, but some are due to death. Some are happy, some are decidedly unhappy, many are somewhere in between. The collective result is delightful and poignant. Here are a few choice quotes.

"it's not really fair to try to 'share' a child. The parents may each get half, but the child never gets a whole." - Jacquelyn Mitchard, "Losing Janey"

"Daddy had died that January, and his house was immediately sealed and later sold by the bank. My parents were divorced, so my mother wasn't allowed to go inside to retrieve any of her belongings. Her piano, wedding presents, personal items, and all of our things were permanently gone. I have nothing from my early childhood; not one toy, school paper, piece of clothing. Years later, a psychiatrist would tell me it was as if I was a refugee, leaving home with only what was on my back." - Alice Elliott Dark, "My Room"

"Back in our apartment during a break from school, I pulled open my mother's dresser to borrow a scarf and discovered she'd packed all her belongings." - Dana Kinstler, "My Father's New Muse"

"In all the stories, the stepmother is always wicked, always cruel to children. Wolves are cruel, too, but not wicked. Wolves are the natural enemies of children, and they're meant to be savage. Widowed kings and poor woodcutters don't marry wolves and ask them to raise their children. They marry women, the natural protectors of children, who are meant to be warm and maternal. So why was it that women who became stepmothers acted like wolves?" - Roxana Robinson, "Wicked"

"For Jonah and me, our parents' marriage provided an ideal opportunity for a natural coalition. We both lacked siblings, and by virtue of the nuptials we each gained a brother. ...What happens when the marriage that forged the alliance no longer exists?" - Ted Rose, "My Papa Married Your Mama"

Dad's new wife

More from Meg Meeker's Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters. Dr. Meeker offers advice for fathers who remarry, either after a divorce or after being widowed. First, she says, tread carefully, recognizing that a single dad is his daughter's only lifeline and must be his priority until she's old enough to care for herself. Second, she says, give your daughter time to grieve.

Grieving for the loss of her mother is a very healthy and important process for a daughter. Simply telling your fourteen-year-old to buck up and get on with life four months after her mother is gone is cruel--and it won't help... One of the biggest problems girls encounter after a mother dies or leaves the family is ungrieved loss.

Third, expect your child to act like a child and your new wife to act like an adult.

Ask more from your new wife than from your daugher. Your new wife should be able to handle it (and if she can't, find that out before you marry her, because it's a warning sign). ...if your girlfriend can't be comfortable talking about and accepting your first wife as the mother of your daughter, you should end the relationship. If you don't, it could tear your family apart.

More from Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters

The simple presence of a father, whether biological or step, makes a difference in whether kids feel loved.

A nationwide survey by the National Commission on Children found that when asked whether their parents "really cared" about them, 97 percent of kids between the ages of ten and seventeen from intact families believed their fathers really cared. For children in stepfamilies, 71 percent said their fathers really cared. In single-parent families, the number was 55 percent.

Recipe for harmony

What one family learned about "blending:"

We want to go into our new lives together with our eyes wide open. Here's what we learned:

• Expect the unexpected. Bringing two families together doesn't always mean a harmonious mix. The results can be more like oil and vinegar.
• Blended families are different. Recognize the uniqueness.
• It generally takes three to seven years to successfully blend a family.
• Who disciplines the children? Generally, leave discipline to the birth parent but support each other. Discuss the issues behind the scenes, not in
  front of the children, but present a unified decision.
• Whose family traditions will be upheld? The answer is both, sometimes. Other times it means making new family traditions.
• Be prepared to deal with ex-spouses and extended families, because struggles will ensue. New alliances will be formed. Be an adult and be prepared to compromise, while sticking to your values.
• Don't have impossible expectations for your spouse's children. It leads to alienation and anger on both sides.
• Don't get frustrated when your spouse doesn't enforce rules with their children. Develop house rules together.
• Know what your role is as a stepparent. The children need your friendship and to know you won't come between them and their birth parents.
• Don't get frustrated with the back-and-forth nature of blended families. Life changes rapidly with two households. Be prepared for constant change.
• Don't become resentful over your changing role as a stepparent and spouse. Getting remarried means you've lost some of the control over your own life and that of your children.
• Learn to deal being rejected by stepchildren, ex-spouses and ex-extended family. Learn to communicate your feelings in a healthy manner to all concerned.
• Remarrying does not mean the end of financial challenges. Be prepared for constraints.
• Be ready for your new spouse to not love your children the way you do. You've had a lifetime with them. Allow time for adjustments.