Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Time for some straight talk

Time magazine has a good article on the state of the American family, including the devastating effects of divorce on children. Two snippets:

a lasting covenant between a man and a woman can be a vehicle for the nurture and protection of each other, the one reliable shelter in an uncaring world —or it can be a matchless tool for the infliction of suffering on the people you supposedly love above all others, most of all on your children...

...is marriage an institution that still hews to its old intention and function — to raise the next generation, to protect and teach it, to instill in it the habits of conduct and character that will ensure the generation's own safe passage into adulthood? Think of it this way: the current generation of children, the one watching commitments between adults snap like dry twigs and observing parents who simply can't be bothered to marry each other and who hence drift in and out of their children's lives — that's the generation who will be taking care of us when we are old.


Anonymous said...

Hi, Kristine:
(My English is not perfect, so I ask for your patience)
I found your blog after reading The Thrill of the Chaste book and visiting Dawn's Eden blog. I still can't get over the surprise of knowing your blog exists. Let me explain myself:
I am not only a child of divorce, but a grandchild of divorce, and a divorcee myself. I know personally the devastating effects of divorce on children, and have never seen a positive outcome after divorce is final. I've been divorced for over a decade, and a Christian for over 17 years. Since the beginning of my breakup I decided I didn't want to remarry (my father abandoned my four sisters, me and my mother to leave with a woman whom he later forced us to meet as a condition if we wanted to see him again!!), or to become biter towards life, men and marriage as my mother did. So, the Lord led me to forgiveness, not judging, or critizising, and freedom was immediately available to me. The Lord also showed me that if I believe, all things are possible, so, with Bible in hand, I started standing for the restoration of my marriage, and have been doing so ever since my husband filed for divorce. This may sound a little extreme for you, since I haven't read in your blog one word on hope for the restoration of marriages, through prayer, fasting, forgiveness, and lots of love towards a spouse who has wounded us. After nine years of standing on my own (never hearing of a testimony of restoration) I bumped on an internet ministry called Rejoice Marriage MInistries, where hundred and hundred of standing spouses are praying fervently and waiting for God's timing for the restoration of their marriage. And so am I. Still standing, still believing in a God of miracles and restoration. This has kept my two (now teenagers) children in a safe place, embraced by love, hope and healing power from above, from the Father of Lights, who keeps showering my family with good things and the safety of standing on God's promises, which never fail.
So my commentary goes to those who think there is not hope, that everything is lost, whether adults or children of divorce. (I am aware some situations are far gone -not hope, but human capacity to believe), to let them know that there's a way, and His name is Jesus.
Thank you.
Tiziana, a prisioner of hope, standing in Mexico.

Kim said...

Kristine, I loved meeting you today at our leisurely lunch. We could've been in France, it was so relaxing! I also found your book and read a few pages (love the Surprise Me! feature on Amazon.) The way you weave Bible stories in as illustrations is really beautiful and I can imagine how comforting this is. I would love to hear you speak one day. Also- good luck with the test and your plans for D.U. I can't wait to hear what God has planned for you. ~K

Athrunxala said...

Divorce on children is never easy. I was a child of divorce myself. Thankfully my New Jersey divorce attorney is in the same boat as I am. So he understands where I'm coming from when I worry about my kids.

Anonymous said...

As a nine year old child experiencing a divorce I felt responsible. I did not have the life experience or instruction necessary to understand or cope with what was happening to me. The people I relied on, my parents, my lifeline, were afraid to talk to me and tell me the truth. I was a smart kid and capable of understanding but was not getting complete information from the people who I was instinctively tethered to. Because of the lack of truthful communication I came to my own conclusions. It was obvious where my father was coming from by the evidence at hand, he left me and mom for another woman, he had started a new family, I was clearly unwanted and undesirable. Mom had to survive, this further complicated matters in that new men were brought into the home, this further compromised my standing as a person. The new men had their own motives and did what they had to in achieving their goals. At this point I was living a lie, my only ally, my mother, could not fill the shoes of what a boy needs, a father. I was interested in girls, boats, guns, coins, junk, and etc, you know, stuff moms don't understand. I needed someone to talk to and support me, I needed a father to teach me the truth about life and not drop the ball. I needed a parent to stick with me through thick and thin and show me they cared, only then could I muster the strength to care myself. Instead I was sent to a psychologist, further proof that something was wrong with me. I remember thinking the following as I proceeded to destroy myself; if someone would care I would stop.

I am now 50 years old.

Alana said...

Divorce usually has a lasting fallout that affects all parties. At the same time, sometimes divorce may act as a protective action for children who have had to live with fighting parents. I think in some instances, it's actually the right thing to do.

Unknown said...


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