I feel like I've written on this before, but if so, well, it's worth writing about again. I was doing my daily "read through the Bible" plan this morning and it included Psalm 37. This morning, I was struck by the different imperative commands sprinkled throughout the text. As I began jotting them down on my kitchen whiteboard, it occurred to me that they form a sort of pathway through the Christian life. Of course, we rarely go straight down this pathway. Often, we end up circling back around to early stops along the way and picking up the trail where we left off. But I like the picture of these being stations along the pathway of the Christian life.
The psalmist starts by exhorting us to do the most basic of things required of a Christian: trust. We so often talk about the starting point of our journey with God as being the time when we put our trust in Christ, so this seems like an apt place to start. But the psalmist does not let us get off so easily. He includes the phrase "and do good." It is not enough to merely have faith without deeds, as James would say. The two go hand in hand.
Next, the psalmist commands us to delight in the Lord. It has been one of the special joys of my own Christian life to watch those who are new to faith. Their exuberance and enthusiasm is contagious and convicting. This is one station I need to circle back to more often.
The psalmist then goes on to tell us that we should commit our way to the Lord. Having trusted and delighted, we need to wholeheartedly dedicate ourselves to following him. We need to commit, a word that seems to have lost some of its meaning in our transient world.
Having done so, we are commanded to be still. This may be the hardest one of all. If we've just committed, shouldn't we be moving forward, taking action, doing great things for God? But he calls us to simply be still. Why? I think the answer comes in the final command: wait.
Twice the psalmist exhorts us to wait. The first time is paired with "be still," as he tells us to "be still and wait patiently." Later, he again says, "wait for the Lord." Having come so far, we can be tempted to forge ahead on our own, to do the thing that seems wise and right to us. But having trusted and delighted and committed and been still, surely we know enough by now to know that our way is not the best way, that God has a better plan than we could ever imagine, and that he will do his thing, in his own time, and that it will be the perfect thing. Wait for him, and see what he does.
Trust...delight...commit...be still...wait. This sounds like a perfect roadmap to peace, if you ask me.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Mark Sanford, poster boy for the party of second chances?
The NY Times magazine has a feature story up on Mark Sanford, former governor of South Carolina, now member of the House of Representatives. Sanford, of course, infamously hiked the Appalachian Trail all the way to his mistress's house in Argentina, killing his marriage and, it seemed at the time, his political career. The utter ridiculousness of how Sanford's indiscretion came to light seemed to make the outcome of the story inevitable. The man was finished, at least as far as politics was concerned.
But a funny thing happened on the way to nowhere. Sanford regrouped, stepped back, and started rebuilding. Read the article and judge for yourself whether you think he is genuinely repentant or playing a political angle. Time will tell.
Another famously fallen political figure, my old boss Chuck Colson, is mentioned in the article. When I started working for him more than twenty years after Watergate, I heard from several still skeptical friends and relatives who just were not buying the whole "born again" thing. Time was never enough to tell them anything about Colson they didn't already believe to be true. Opinions are like that, and I guess we're all entitled to one.
A few thoughts on Sanford and the NY Times article.
Thought #1: I'm not surprised that Sanford is resurrecting his political career or the aplomb with which he handled the less than enthusiastic members of his constituency in the article. Nor am I surprised at the comments in the article about current South Carolina governor Nikki Haley. I've had the opportunity to meet them both, briefly, in the same context. While serving as an officer in a community organization, I twice went to the governor's office to attend the signing of an annual proclamation. The first time, Sanford was in the State House. He welcomed our group into his private office, a room just beyond the larger and more public office, where he greeted each of us personally, chatted comfortably, asked questions and showed interest in the reason for our visit, posed for pictures with us, then sat at his desk to sign the proclamation, handing the official pen to the eldest representative of our group. A year later, Nikki Haley kept us waiting in the hallway where she eventually swept out to cheerfully but hurriedly greet us, sign the proclamation with a borrowed pen while leaning on her secretary's desk, and seemed like she would have dashed off without any pictures had not a bold member of the group asked her to pause. I thought then, and I thought again now reading this article, that Sanford possesses a natural ease and charm that makes him a great campaigner, while Haley, whatever other good traits she may have, simply lacks that social grace.
Thought #2: Perhaps a campaign victory rally is not the best place to meet your boyfriend's child from a prior marriage for the first time. This might be particularly true when the prior marriage imploded very publicly, when you were the very public cause of that implosion, and when the child involved was still a child but old enough to know exactly what was happening.
Thought #3: A friend asked me not long ago why it was that Republicans seem to be so unforgiving of their politicians who have affairs. We talked at the time about how the Republican party has fashioned itself as a party of family values so marital failures seem to cut right at the heart of what we say we're about. As I read this article though, it occurred to me that it's deeper than just that. Reflecting on Sanford's early political career, the writer mentions that a younger Sanford once "castigated" another politician who'd had an affair. When one preaches family values, it is perhaps easy to use the failure of an opponent's family as a political edge. But having done so, a later indiscretion of one's own seems like a much more glaring act of hypocrisy.
Thought #4: As someone who once had to learn how to write in Chuck Colson's 'voice,' the quote from the phone call with Sanford sounds completely wrong in its wording but very true in its sentiment. Chuck was a big believer in using his story to reach out to others who were experiencing a spectacular fall from grace of their own making and encouraging them to look to God and not lose hope. But he was not a big believer in grammatically incorrect phrases like you got to and slang like 'cause.
Thought #5: Chapur does herself and Sanford a good turn by coming across in the article as humble, gracious, and cognizant of having done wrong.
Thought #6: If you're interested, here is a post I wrote for the BreakPoint blog back in 2009 when news of Sanford's affair first broke. Even those of us who worked and wrote for Colson could scarcely imagine back then that the mess Sanford had made of his political career would be anything less than permanent.
But a funny thing happened on the way to nowhere. Sanford regrouped, stepped back, and started rebuilding. Read the article and judge for yourself whether you think he is genuinely repentant or playing a political angle. Time will tell.
Another famously fallen political figure, my old boss Chuck Colson, is mentioned in the article. When I started working for him more than twenty years after Watergate, I heard from several still skeptical friends and relatives who just were not buying the whole "born again" thing. Time was never enough to tell them anything about Colson they didn't already believe to be true. Opinions are like that, and I guess we're all entitled to one.
A few thoughts on Sanford and the NY Times article.
Thought #1: I'm not surprised that Sanford is resurrecting his political career or the aplomb with which he handled the less than enthusiastic members of his constituency in the article. Nor am I surprised at the comments in the article about current South Carolina governor Nikki Haley. I've had the opportunity to meet them both, briefly, in the same context. While serving as an officer in a community organization, I twice went to the governor's office to attend the signing of an annual proclamation. The first time, Sanford was in the State House. He welcomed our group into his private office, a room just beyond the larger and more public office, where he greeted each of us personally, chatted comfortably, asked questions and showed interest in the reason for our visit, posed for pictures with us, then sat at his desk to sign the proclamation, handing the official pen to the eldest representative of our group. A year later, Nikki Haley kept us waiting in the hallway where she eventually swept out to cheerfully but hurriedly greet us, sign the proclamation with a borrowed pen while leaning on her secretary's desk, and seemed like she would have dashed off without any pictures had not a bold member of the group asked her to pause. I thought then, and I thought again now reading this article, that Sanford possesses a natural ease and charm that makes him a great campaigner, while Haley, whatever other good traits she may have, simply lacks that social grace.
Thought #2: Perhaps a campaign victory rally is not the best place to meet your boyfriend's child from a prior marriage for the first time. This might be particularly true when the prior marriage imploded very publicly, when you were the very public cause of that implosion, and when the child involved was still a child but old enough to know exactly what was happening.
Thought #3: A friend asked me not long ago why it was that Republicans seem to be so unforgiving of their politicians who have affairs. We talked at the time about how the Republican party has fashioned itself as a party of family values so marital failures seem to cut right at the heart of what we say we're about. As I read this article though, it occurred to me that it's deeper than just that. Reflecting on Sanford's early political career, the writer mentions that a younger Sanford once "castigated" another politician who'd had an affair. When one preaches family values, it is perhaps easy to use the failure of an opponent's family as a political edge. But having done so, a later indiscretion of one's own seems like a much more glaring act of hypocrisy.
Thought #4: As someone who once had to learn how to write in Chuck Colson's 'voice,' the quote from the phone call with Sanford sounds completely wrong in its wording but very true in its sentiment. Chuck was a big believer in using his story to reach out to others who were experiencing a spectacular fall from grace of their own making and encouraging them to look to God and not lose hope. But he was not a big believer in grammatically incorrect phrases like you got to and slang like 'cause.
Thought #5: Chapur does herself and Sanford a good turn by coming across in the article as humble, gracious, and cognizant of having done wrong.
Thought #6: If you're interested, here is a post I wrote for the BreakPoint blog back in 2009 when news of Sanford's affair first broke. Even those of us who worked and wrote for Colson could scarcely imagine back then that the mess Sanford had made of his political career would be anything less than permanent.
Fallout shelter needed
Huffington Post has a good article up by a child of divorce on the immediate and long-term effects: "Part of the problem with divorce, is that it is impossible to accurately predict the fallout."
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Ecumenical child of divorce
While I was on vacation last week, I finished reading Sir Walter Scott's excellent book The Abbot
. Scott is one of those writers who, when I pick up one of his novels after not having read anything by him in some time, I inevitably think to myself, "Why don't I read him more often?" His work is so easy to read and so entertaining for all the right reasons.
The Abbot, if you're not familiar with it, is historical fiction. The overarching historical event is the imprisonment and subsequent, short-lived escape of Mary, Queen of Scots. Mary, who was Catholic, was imprisoned in Loch Leven Castle. In Scott's story, a young man who is secretly the child of a Catholic family is planted in the household of a Protestant family of prominence who eventually make him part of Mary's retinue to keep an eye on her, but of course he instead helps Mary effect her ill-fated escape. Throughout the novel, the main character, having had his religious education split between two factions of Christianity, has difficulty forming a solid allegiance to or disavowal of either and seeks alternately the counsel of both Catholic priests and Protestant ministers, leading to some interesting passages on theology.
The discord between Catholicism and Protestantism, of course, consumed much of early English history, with monarchs seated and dethroned on the basis of their brand of Christianity, the result being that those whose religious practice was not in step with the current ruler found themselves worshipping in secret or setting off for distant lands where their views were tolerated or were the norm.
I'm not sure whether to feel encouraged or weary when I think about that history and the parallels I see in modern Western Christianity. On the one hand, I'm strangely and sadly encouraged by the realization that we haven't reached some new level of ridiculousness; nothing, after all, is new under the sun. And, of course, I'm weary when I realize that, lo these many years later, we are still waging the same wars, just sometimes with different names. This or that pastor or leader or writer says something that others disagree with and, instead of reasoned debate or gentle reproof, we unleash a torrent of vitriol. Sigh. I think I have decided on weary.
Don't get me wrong here. I'm not saying that we should throw doctrine out the window and all just sing Kumbaya (although it does bring back some rather fond memories of junior high). But it seems to me sometimes that even in Christian circles we spend more time slinging accusations around like mud and valuing snarkiness more than actual Godliness. Can't we leave all that to the politicians?
All this is why the following short passage from The Abbot struck me as so true and sad and fitting. The setting is the battlefield, where Mary's supporters meet the supporters of the Regent, James Stewart:
. Scott is one of those writers who, when I pick up one of his novels after not having read anything by him in some time, I inevitably think to myself, "Why don't I read him more often?" His work is so easy to read and so entertaining for all the right reasons. The Abbot, if you're not familiar with it, is historical fiction. The overarching historical event is the imprisonment and subsequent, short-lived escape of Mary, Queen of Scots. Mary, who was Catholic, was imprisoned in Loch Leven Castle. In Scott's story, a young man who is secretly the child of a Catholic family is planted in the household of a Protestant family of prominence who eventually make him part of Mary's retinue to keep an eye on her, but of course he instead helps Mary effect her ill-fated escape. Throughout the novel, the main character, having had his religious education split between two factions of Christianity, has difficulty forming a solid allegiance to or disavowal of either and seeks alternately the counsel of both Catholic priests and Protestant ministers, leading to some interesting passages on theology.
The discord between Catholicism and Protestantism, of course, consumed much of early English history, with monarchs seated and dethroned on the basis of their brand of Christianity, the result being that those whose religious practice was not in step with the current ruler found themselves worshipping in secret or setting off for distant lands where their views were tolerated or were the norm.
I'm not sure whether to feel encouraged or weary when I think about that history and the parallels I see in modern Western Christianity. On the one hand, I'm strangely and sadly encouraged by the realization that we haven't reached some new level of ridiculousness; nothing, after all, is new under the sun. And, of course, I'm weary when I realize that, lo these many years later, we are still waging the same wars, just sometimes with different names. This or that pastor or leader or writer says something that others disagree with and, instead of reasoned debate or gentle reproof, we unleash a torrent of vitriol. Sigh. I think I have decided on weary.
Don't get me wrong here. I'm not saying that we should throw doctrine out the window and all just sing Kumbaya (although it does bring back some rather fond memories of junior high). But it seems to me sometimes that even in Christian circles we spend more time slinging accusations around like mud and valuing snarkiness more than actual Godliness. Can't we leave all that to the politicians?
All this is why the following short passage from The Abbot struck me as so true and sad and fitting. The setting is the battlefield, where Mary's supporters meet the supporters of the Regent, James Stewart:
"God and the Queen!" resounded from the one party; "God and the King!" thundered from the other; while, in the name of their sovereign, fellow-subjects on both sides shed each other's blood, and, in the name of their Creator, defaced his image.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Monday devo: A new normal
A few weeks ago I was in a situation where I suddenly realized the person I was talking to thought I had just said the most bizarre thing. I was describing something that seemed perfectly normal to me and I could tell he thought it sounded completely abnormal. Slightly embarrassed, I laughed it off with, "Almost everyone in my family is like that. It doesn't seem odd when it's normal in your family."
I was talking about a physical oddity. But I've seen the same sort of thing happen in families with emotional and behavioral oddities. Like that frog you always heard about in science class as a kid, sitting in a pot of cold water that gradually comes to a boil without the frog having noticed, we become acclimated to the environment around us. Often, the weirdness of our situation doesn't occur to us until we see ourselves through others' eyes.
As I thought of this today, I was reminded of Jesus' words to his followers: "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."
Really, Jesus? Love? That's it? That seems so, well, normal. So ordinary. How on earth is that going to send out a signal that we're your followers?
But of course, it's not normal at all. Normal is discord, and jealousy, and self-centeredness. Normal is greed, and gossip, and exploitation. Normal is sin. Love, meanwhile, is so essentially a divine quality that the apostle John proclaimed that "God is love."
This is not to say that people who follow Christ have the love thing figured out. We're human (read, "normal"). And often we act in perfectly normal ways. But when we can get love right, really right, it has a powerful effect, shining a light not on us but on the one we are following.
And if get love right often enough and for long enough, who knows -- maybe it will start to feel normal to us.
I was talking about a physical oddity. But I've seen the same sort of thing happen in families with emotional and behavioral oddities. Like that frog you always heard about in science class as a kid, sitting in a pot of cold water that gradually comes to a boil without the frog having noticed, we become acclimated to the environment around us. Often, the weirdness of our situation doesn't occur to us until we see ourselves through others' eyes.
As I thought of this today, I was reminded of Jesus' words to his followers: "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."
Really, Jesus? Love? That's it? That seems so, well, normal. So ordinary. How on earth is that going to send out a signal that we're your followers?
But of course, it's not normal at all. Normal is discord, and jealousy, and self-centeredness. Normal is greed, and gossip, and exploitation. Normal is sin. Love, meanwhile, is so essentially a divine quality that the apostle John proclaimed that "God is love."
This is not to say that people who follow Christ have the love thing figured out. We're human (read, "normal"). And often we act in perfectly normal ways. But when we can get love right, really right, it has a powerful effect, shining a light not on us but on the one we are following.
And if get love right often enough and for long enough, who knows -- maybe it will start to feel normal to us.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Korean Child of Divorce
I've been waiting for this for so long, it almost didn't seem real anymore. Until I arrived home from a trip on Friday and found a package waiting for me. Four new copies of Child of Divorce, Child of God -- in Korean! The cover is beautiful, even if I have no idea what it says.
If you or someone you know reads Korean and would be blessed by this book, it is available from IVP Korea.
If you or someone you know reads Korean and would be blessed by this book, it is available from IVP Korea.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Monday devo: The scandal of worship
Every year about this time, I pull out my DVD of Jesus Christ Superstar. Watching it has become an Easter tradition for me. I prefer the stylized, artful presentation of the last days of Jesus to the blood and gore versions that have become popular in recent years. And, yes, I realize that there is a good deal of theological fallacy in the screenplay. After all, Andrew Lloyd Weber and Tim Rice are not exactly Billy Graham and George Beverly Shea.
One of my favorite scenes in the movie is the scene that takes place on Palm Sunday, the Sunday before Jesus' crucifixion, the Sunday we just celebrated here in 2014. My brother's family were staying with me this weekend and over breakfast, I explained to my three-year-old nephew that this was the Sunday that Jesus came to Jerusalem and that when he got to Sunday school this morning he would be given a palm branch to wave, just like the ones that people waved and threw down in front of Jesus' donkey so many years ago.
In the movie version that I have, the one from 2000, instead of palm branches the people are carrying signs, the sort of signs that you see at rallies and protests, featuring a picture of Jesus and the words "Jesus Rules." They carry Jesus into the city on their shoulders, like a rock star, or a superstar. Their exuberance and celebration is over the top, unseemly in a way, for someone who is supposed to be a religious leader. It's scandalous, and part of me always feels just a tiny hint of sympathy for the Pharisees who are looking on this spectacle and feeling more than a little uncomfortable.
That small twinge of sympathy is always followed by a dose of conviction. Not because I felt sympathetic, but because my worship of Jesus rarely if ever rises to the level of scandalous. I would happily stand at the side of the road and politely wave a palm branch. But would I lift the Savior onto my shoulders, parade him around, while holding a giant sign that proclaims my adoration? Of course, neither of these are happening in a literal sense in my life in 2014. But I fear that too often I let my faith become polite, never rising to anything close to exuberance or scandal.
I'm not saying that I feel the need to jump around and shout. But I am saying that occasionally my beliefs, my lifestyle, my faith should strike someone as a little extreme. As in, "Sure, you're religious, but do you have to take it that far? Can't you just reel it back in a little and be politely, nondescriptly spiritual, without all this Jesus stuff?"
Actually, no, I can't. Because the truth is, in both a literal and figurative sense, Jesus rules. Hosanna.
One of my favorite scenes in the movie is the scene that takes place on Palm Sunday, the Sunday before Jesus' crucifixion, the Sunday we just celebrated here in 2014. My brother's family were staying with me this weekend and over breakfast, I explained to my three-year-old nephew that this was the Sunday that Jesus came to Jerusalem and that when he got to Sunday school this morning he would be given a palm branch to wave, just like the ones that people waved and threw down in front of Jesus' donkey so many years ago.
In the movie version that I have, the one from 2000, instead of palm branches the people are carrying signs, the sort of signs that you see at rallies and protests, featuring a picture of Jesus and the words "Jesus Rules." They carry Jesus into the city on their shoulders, like a rock star, or a superstar. Their exuberance and celebration is over the top, unseemly in a way, for someone who is supposed to be a religious leader. It's scandalous, and part of me always feels just a tiny hint of sympathy for the Pharisees who are looking on this spectacle and feeling more than a little uncomfortable.
That small twinge of sympathy is always followed by a dose of conviction. Not because I felt sympathetic, but because my worship of Jesus rarely if ever rises to the level of scandalous. I would happily stand at the side of the road and politely wave a palm branch. But would I lift the Savior onto my shoulders, parade him around, while holding a giant sign that proclaims my adoration? Of course, neither of these are happening in a literal sense in my life in 2014. But I fear that too often I let my faith become polite, never rising to anything close to exuberance or scandal.
I'm not saying that I feel the need to jump around and shout. But I am saying that occasionally my beliefs, my lifestyle, my faith should strike someone as a little extreme. As in, "Sure, you're religious, but do you have to take it that far? Can't you just reel it back in a little and be politely, nondescriptly spiritual, without all this Jesus stuff?"
Actually, no, I can't. Because the truth is, in both a literal and figurative sense, Jesus rules. Hosanna.
Monday, April 07, 2014
Monday devo: A How-To Guide for Transitions
We all experience transitions in life, right? Maybe it's a job change or a move to a new place. A wedding, a divorce, a death, a break-up. A new baby, a new boss, a new pet. Every four years, we have the chance to elect a new president for our country and when that happens transition teams are set up to make the hand off from one leader to the next smooth and seamless.
Children of divorce experience lots of transition. One parent moving out, moving to a new house, a new school, a new stepparent, new stepsiblings, and the constant back and forth transition of visitation or shared custody. If the transition itself is handled well, the road forward is a whole lot smoother.
The Bible gives one of the greatest examples of transition at the end of Deuteronomy. After wandering the desert for forty years, the Israelites had finally arrived at the cusp of the Promised Land. Moses was going to stay behind, climb a mountain, watch his people enter their new home, and then transition from this life to the next. But his wasn't the only transition. The people, these thousands upon thousands of tired, excited, human people, were about to experience multiple transitions at once. They were leaving a life of nomadism and embarking on a life of settlement and all the war and hardship that come with settling in a land that others have already made a home in. On top of all that, their beloved leader who had been the only leader most of them had ever known was about to leave them while some other guy took his place. Handling that hand off badly could have spelled disaster for the people. But instead here's what happened.
First, Moses gave the people a pep talk. In Deuteronomy 31:1-6, he tells them that he's leaving them, but assures them that God is with them, that they have a great new leader, and that they'll be victorious in their new mission. Then, he calls Joshua to the platform and, in front of all the people, he tells Joshua that he is the new leader, that he will lead the people to success, and that God will be with him. It's a real "rah! rah!" moment.
But then something interesting happens. God calls Moses and Joshua aside and has a little chat with them, out of earshot of the people. In verses 16-21, God tells it like it is: Before Moses is cold in his grave, the people will be worshipping other gods, they will fall into chaos, and God will rain down punishment on them. Sounds rather harsh -- but then again, God wasn't being a naysayer; he simply knew the future.
Here's what I love about this story. Moses, the beloved leader, gives the motivational speeches out in public, for all the Israelites to hear. Then, in private, behind the closed doors of a pillar of cloud and a tabernacle, Joshua, the new leader, gets the real story. The people are left encouraged, Joshua is teed up to have a great start with them, and then he is given a reality check by the one person who could see the future.
Too often, transitions include one of these elements but not the other. Either we're all trombones and marching bands, or we're all gloom and doom and steel yourself for the worst. This story shows how to achieve a happy medium. Yes, let's have some encouragement and motivation to get everyone on board and ready to face the future. And yes, let's have some honest conversation about the challenges ahead. But let's do both in the right way, at the right time, and with the right people present. How we handle the transition can make all the difference.
Children of divorce experience lots of transition. One parent moving out, moving to a new house, a new school, a new stepparent, new stepsiblings, and the constant back and forth transition of visitation or shared custody. If the transition itself is handled well, the road forward is a whole lot smoother.
The Bible gives one of the greatest examples of transition at the end of Deuteronomy. After wandering the desert for forty years, the Israelites had finally arrived at the cusp of the Promised Land. Moses was going to stay behind, climb a mountain, watch his people enter their new home, and then transition from this life to the next. But his wasn't the only transition. The people, these thousands upon thousands of tired, excited, human people, were about to experience multiple transitions at once. They were leaving a life of nomadism and embarking on a life of settlement and all the war and hardship that come with settling in a land that others have already made a home in. On top of all that, their beloved leader who had been the only leader most of them had ever known was about to leave them while some other guy took his place. Handling that hand off badly could have spelled disaster for the people. But instead here's what happened.
First, Moses gave the people a pep talk. In Deuteronomy 31:1-6, he tells them that he's leaving them, but assures them that God is with them, that they have a great new leader, and that they'll be victorious in their new mission. Then, he calls Joshua to the platform and, in front of all the people, he tells Joshua that he is the new leader, that he will lead the people to success, and that God will be with him. It's a real "rah! rah!" moment.
But then something interesting happens. God calls Moses and Joshua aside and has a little chat with them, out of earshot of the people. In verses 16-21, God tells it like it is: Before Moses is cold in his grave, the people will be worshipping other gods, they will fall into chaos, and God will rain down punishment on them. Sounds rather harsh -- but then again, God wasn't being a naysayer; he simply knew the future.
Here's what I love about this story. Moses, the beloved leader, gives the motivational speeches out in public, for all the Israelites to hear. Then, in private, behind the closed doors of a pillar of cloud and a tabernacle, Joshua, the new leader, gets the real story. The people are left encouraged, Joshua is teed up to have a great start with them, and then he is given a reality check by the one person who could see the future.
Too often, transitions include one of these elements but not the other. Either we're all trombones and marching bands, or we're all gloom and doom and steel yourself for the worst. This story shows how to achieve a happy medium. Yes, let's have some encouragement and motivation to get everyone on board and ready to face the future. And yes, let's have some honest conversation about the challenges ahead. But let's do both in the right way, at the right time, and with the right people present. How we handle the transition can make all the difference.
Friday, April 04, 2014
'Til Death Do Us Part
This article on Gwyneth Paltrow's choice of words regarding her divorce from Chris Martin struck me as interesting for two reasons.
First, the author starts out sounding like she is all for the idea of a kinder, gentler divorce, especially because as a child of divorce herself, she struggles with feeling like her family is broken. But then by the end of the article, she reveals that she is troubled by the thought that one could enter marriage with the idea that it is a transitory relationship.
The other interesting thing I found in this article was how worldview played into the conscious uncoupling concept. The article has a link to a post on Paltrow's web site by Habib Sadeghi, in which "he mentions how mating for life was easier when life was shorter. Since cavemen lived till their early 30s, they could stay together till death do them part, no problem."
Of course, if one holds a slightly different worldview, say one that involves guys like Methuselah and Noah trudging along through life for 969 and 950 years respectively, a paltry 50 or 60 years of marriage should seem like a real piece of cake.
First, the author starts out sounding like she is all for the idea of a kinder, gentler divorce, especially because as a child of divorce herself, she struggles with feeling like her family is broken. But then by the end of the article, she reveals that she is troubled by the thought that one could enter marriage with the idea that it is a transitory relationship.
But without even the intention to make it for the long haul, won’t relationships end even earlier? To me, adding an escape clause to the highest level of commitment would only weaken it.Good point.
The other interesting thing I found in this article was how worldview played into the conscious uncoupling concept. The article has a link to a post on Paltrow's web site by Habib Sadeghi, in which "he mentions how mating for life was easier when life was shorter. Since cavemen lived till their early 30s, they could stay together till death do them part, no problem."
Of course, if one holds a slightly different worldview, say one that involves guys like Methuselah and Noah trudging along through life for 969 and 950 years respectively, a paltry 50 or 60 years of marriage should seem like a real piece of cake.
Thursday, April 03, 2014
Finding the right one...
...even if it's the second time around. Diane Paddison is an author and founder of a nonprofit that encourages women in their faith, career, and relationships. In her book Work, Love, Pray, she was refreshingly candid about the failure of her first marriage. Having gotten a second chance at love, in this article on her blog, she talks about how to make a wise decision when it comes to relationships and marriage.
Wednesday, April 02, 2014
Without a Trace
It's been a rough year for country star Trace Adkins, so perhaps this is no surprise. One does though wonder if he and his wife of 16 years are going to be finding new meaning in the words of his song, "You're Gonna Miss This."
Tuesday, April 01, 2014
Monday, March 31, 2014
Monday devo: Shadows of death, sunbeams of heaven
I know, this is a blog about divorce, not death. But in the book, I tell the story of a child of divorce who described his parents' divorce as being like a death that never ended. And truly, divorce is the death of a marriage and of many hopes and dreams for the couple, their children, their families, and their friends.
So, during this season leading up to Good Friday and Easter, it seems appropriate to talk about death, especially on a blog about divorce.
Last week, I was meditating on the twenty-third Psalm, the one so often read at funerals or printed on the little memorial cards handed out at funerals.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
Excuse the Shakespearean English, but I learned these verses as a very young girl in the King James Version and they just don't sound right to my ears in other translations.
Maybe it's the inundation of social media; maybe it's the fact that I (and most of my friends) are on the other side of the hill; maybe it's just coincidence or heightened perception -- but it seems like there is an awful lot of death, and walks through valleys of shadows of death, all around me.
And yet, when I thought of these words last week, it occurred to me that this could easily be what is referred to as a Messianic psalm -- a psalm about Jesus, as much as it is about the writer or about us the readers.
Who better than Jesus knows what it is like to walk through the deep, dark valley gloomed over with shadows of death? And if ever anyone had reason to fear evil in that moment, it was Jesus, knowing as he did that he was about to wear the mantle of humanity's sin in all of its wretchedness and depravity while hanging on a device of torture, on public display, while insults were hurled at him. Somehow after wrestling with this coming reality in Gethsemane, he found comfort.
He ate a meal in the presence of an enemy, one who would betray him to his death for a price. During his short earthly life, goodness and mercy followed Jesus around like the most devoted of his disciples.
And, the good news for Jesus, the good news for all of us who look forward to an Easter Sunday after Maundy Thursday and Good Friday, the good news for everyone who has ever or will ever trudge through a valley filled with shadows of death, is that Jesus walked straight through the shadow and came out on the other side to live in the sun-drenched house of the Lord forever.
Alleluia.
So, during this season leading up to Good Friday and Easter, it seems appropriate to talk about death, especially on a blog about divorce.
Last week, I was meditating on the twenty-third Psalm, the one so often read at funerals or printed on the little memorial cards handed out at funerals.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
Excuse the Shakespearean English, but I learned these verses as a very young girl in the King James Version and they just don't sound right to my ears in other translations.
Maybe it's the inundation of social media; maybe it's the fact that I (and most of my friends) are on the other side of the hill; maybe it's just coincidence or heightened perception -- but it seems like there is an awful lot of death, and walks through valleys of shadows of death, all around me.
And yet, when I thought of these words last week, it occurred to me that this could easily be what is referred to as a Messianic psalm -- a psalm about Jesus, as much as it is about the writer or about us the readers.
Who better than Jesus knows what it is like to walk through the deep, dark valley gloomed over with shadows of death? And if ever anyone had reason to fear evil in that moment, it was Jesus, knowing as he did that he was about to wear the mantle of humanity's sin in all of its wretchedness and depravity while hanging on a device of torture, on public display, while insults were hurled at him. Somehow after wrestling with this coming reality in Gethsemane, he found comfort.
He ate a meal in the presence of an enemy, one who would betray him to his death for a price. During his short earthly life, goodness and mercy followed Jesus around like the most devoted of his disciples.
And, the good news for Jesus, the good news for all of us who look forward to an Easter Sunday after Maundy Thursday and Good Friday, the good news for everyone who has ever or will ever trudge through a valley filled with shadows of death, is that Jesus walked straight through the shadow and came out on the other side to live in the sun-drenched house of the Lord forever.
Alleluia.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Monday, March 24, 2014
Monday devo: God in the Rearview Mirror
I had intended to write the Monday devo last night or early this morning, having a topic in mind; but that topic will wait for another week. My procrastination has paid off, which writers are always hoping will happen but rarely does.
As I left work today, I had a little car trouble -- the kind of trouble that requires a trip to a mechanic, quickly, with as little mileage between trouble and mechanic as possible. I called my mechanic brother (who, sadly, lives in another state; how did I let that happen?) who has started replying to my car questions with a knowing "yeah." As in, "Yeah, your car is at that stage of its barely useful life where these things are bound to happen. Get used to it." Great.
To top it all off, I couldn't just drop the car at the shop and hitch a ride home with a co-worker. I'm scheduled to be on the road tomorrow for work. Talk about crummy timing. The plan originally was for me to drive my own car, but now, at 5:30 on a Monday (of course) my assistant and I were scrambling to call the repair shop (open until 6:00, whew!) and the car rental place (also open until 6:00, and with a car available, whew again!). Kind soul that she is, my assistant followed me to the shop and then dropped me at the car rental place.
My thought process through all of this was decidedly grumpy. Of all the bad luck, something like this has to happen the night before a business trip, adding complication to an already irritating situation. (And, bonus, I left both pairs of sunglasses in my car at the shop, so I had to stop at Target on my way home and buy a new pair.)
But as I drove home, enjoying new car smell and XM radio (guess I don't have to bring any cassette tapes with me tomorrow), suddenly I realized this was actually the best possible scenario.
I always have the option of renting a car for these work trips. I just usually choose to drive my own car because it's familiar and comfortable and less hassle. And since I'm leaving early and not expecting to make it back before the rental place closes at 6:00, I had to reserve it for two nights -- which means the repair shop has two full days to keep my car while I have a rental that is paid for by work. Talk about perfect timing.
In the book, I wrote about a time when Moses was up on the mountain with God. Moses was discouraged and God decided to cheer him up by letting Moses see Him. Only not face to face. No, God put Moses into a hole in a rock and then walked past in such a way that Moses only got to see His back. That was about all the glory anyone could take, at least if they wanted to live to tell about it. I talked in the book about how some Jewish rabbis of yore had speculated that this was a metaphor of sorts, that seeing God's back might be a way of saying that Moses got to see where God had just been. And then I talked about how we so often experience God this way. We don't know what He's about to do. We rarely figure out what He's up to in the midst of our daily circumstances. But sometimes, we get to see it all in hindsight, smack our foreheads with our palms, and say, "Okay, now I get it!"
In other words, like I did today, sometime we see God in the rearview mirror.
As I left work today, I had a little car trouble -- the kind of trouble that requires a trip to a mechanic, quickly, with as little mileage between trouble and mechanic as possible. I called my mechanic brother (who, sadly, lives in another state; how did I let that happen?) who has started replying to my car questions with a knowing "yeah." As in, "Yeah, your car is at that stage of its barely useful life where these things are bound to happen. Get used to it." Great.
To top it all off, I couldn't just drop the car at the shop and hitch a ride home with a co-worker. I'm scheduled to be on the road tomorrow for work. Talk about crummy timing. The plan originally was for me to drive my own car, but now, at 5:30 on a Monday (of course) my assistant and I were scrambling to call the repair shop (open until 6:00, whew!) and the car rental place (also open until 6:00, and with a car available, whew again!). Kind soul that she is, my assistant followed me to the shop and then dropped me at the car rental place.
My thought process through all of this was decidedly grumpy. Of all the bad luck, something like this has to happen the night before a business trip, adding complication to an already irritating situation. (And, bonus, I left both pairs of sunglasses in my car at the shop, so I had to stop at Target on my way home and buy a new pair.)
But as I drove home, enjoying new car smell and XM radio (guess I don't have to bring any cassette tapes with me tomorrow), suddenly I realized this was actually the best possible scenario.
I always have the option of renting a car for these work trips. I just usually choose to drive my own car because it's familiar and comfortable and less hassle. And since I'm leaving early and not expecting to make it back before the rental place closes at 6:00, I had to reserve it for two nights -- which means the repair shop has two full days to keep my car while I have a rental that is paid for by work. Talk about perfect timing.
In the book, I wrote about a time when Moses was up on the mountain with God. Moses was discouraged and God decided to cheer him up by letting Moses see Him. Only not face to face. No, God put Moses into a hole in a rock and then walked past in such a way that Moses only got to see His back. That was about all the glory anyone could take, at least if they wanted to live to tell about it. I talked in the book about how some Jewish rabbis of yore had speculated that this was a metaphor of sorts, that seeing God's back might be a way of saying that Moses got to see where God had just been. And then I talked about how we so often experience God this way. We don't know what He's about to do. We rarely figure out what He's up to in the midst of our daily circumstances. But sometimes, we get to see it all in hindsight, smack our foreheads with our palms, and say, "Okay, now I get it!"
In other words, like I did today, sometime we see God in the rearview mirror.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Love, Hawaiian Style
I posted a few weeks ago about a recent episode of Hawaii Five-O that featured Danny, a.k.a. Danno, learning that his parents are about to divorce and then talking about his own divorce with his young daughter.
The story line continued this week with Danny and daughter conspiring to get his parents to reconcile. What child of divorce hasn't fantasized that story line? (Blame it on The Parent Trap if you want.)
As a total side note, not that I can picture Melanie Griffiths playing James Caan's wife, but wouldn't it have been kind of fun if they'd been able to get Danno's real life dad to play his on-screen dad? Just a thought.
The story line continued this week with Danny and daughter conspiring to get his parents to reconcile. What child of divorce hasn't fantasized that story line? (Blame it on The Parent Trap if you want.)
As a total side note, not that I can picture Melanie Griffiths playing James Caan's wife, but wouldn't it have been kind of fun if they'd been able to get Danno's real life dad to play his on-screen dad? Just a thought.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Forgiving the was-band
Kristin Armstrong, ex-wife of cycler Lance Armstrong, speaks about parenting children of divorce in the midst of crisis, something the Armstrong family knows a little about.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
What not to do as a divorced parent
The further down in this article I read, the worse I felt for these kids. Watching your parents duke it out over ridiculous amounts of money is bad enough; seeing it splashed on the news is worse; dealing with the drama described here is...well, sad.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Little People, Big Marriage Problems
The stars of "Little People, Big World" are attempting a trial separation. Putting your family through the rigors of reality TV has been a tough gig for more families than the Roloffs. Here's hoping they can work things out and find a way to keep this 26 year marriage together.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Monday devo: A shelter from the dogs of night
For the last few years I have volunteered as a guardian ad litem for kids in foster care. As you might guess, many of them come from homes scarred by divorce. The situations are as unique as the individuals involved, but the kids who keep you awake at night, long after the cases are closed, are the ones dealing with physical abuse.
Tonight I was reading Psalm 59 and thought of these kids and all the kids out there -- foster kids, children of divorce, kids with married parents -- who face abuse. David repeats a refrain about the perpetrators, those who "come at night, snarling like vicious dogs as they prowl the streets." You get the picture.
But as David often does, he refocuses his attention, away from peril and toward the God who can rescue him from peril. "For you, O God, are my place of safety." "But as for me, I will sing about your power, I will shout with joy each morning because of your unfailing love. For you have been my refuge, a place of safety in the day of distress." Yes, there is distress. There are snarling dogs on the loose. But there is a safe harbor, a place where love wins, a place where joy becomes a possibility.
These are words that I hope for every child, every adult, who fears for their safety at the hands of another. And I love that the header to the psalm says that it is "to be sung to the tune 'Do Not Destroy!'" How perfect is that?
Tonight I was reading Psalm 59 and thought of these kids and all the kids out there -- foster kids, children of divorce, kids with married parents -- who face abuse. David repeats a refrain about the perpetrators, those who "come at night, snarling like vicious dogs as they prowl the streets." You get the picture.
But as David often does, he refocuses his attention, away from peril and toward the God who can rescue him from peril. "For you, O God, are my place of safety." "But as for me, I will sing about your power, I will shout with joy each morning because of your unfailing love. For you have been my refuge, a place of safety in the day of distress." Yes, there is distress. There are snarling dogs on the loose. But there is a safe harbor, a place where love wins, a place where joy becomes a possibility.
These are words that I hope for every child, every adult, who fears for their safety at the hands of another. And I love that the header to the psalm says that it is "to be sung to the tune 'Do Not Destroy!'" How perfect is that?
Friday, March 14, 2014
Paperback writer
Child of Divorce, Child of God is available as an e-book, but it is officially out of print in paperback. There are some copies available from used booksellers on Amazon. If you want a brand, spanking new copy, straight from the author (that's me), go to Amazon and search the "used and new" sellers for a seller called "littleponci." You'll order and pay through Amazon and then Amazon will email me with your address and I'll ship your order directly to you. Easy-peasy.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
There's an app for that
Anything that helps divorced parents have less conflict is a good thing. Check out this article about an app that helps make the financial side of divorce with children a little easier and less acrimonious.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
College-bound child of divorce
There's been a lot of chatter the last week or so about the case in New Jersey of a girl suing her parents for child support and college costs, among other things. This article discusses some of the state laws that affect parents when it comes to paying for college. Rules vary from state to state, but in some states where parents generally have the right to tell the kids that they're on their own when it comes to paying for college, divorced parents may find themselves footing the bill.
When I took Family Law last year, this topic generated some interesting discussion. Basically, the idea is that divorced, noncustodial parents statistically tend to drift away from their kids and not provide for them to the same extent that married or custodial parents do. Requiring noncustodial parents to pay for college is seen as a way of remedying that situation and leveling the playing field for those kids.
When I took Family Law last year, this topic generated some interesting discussion. Basically, the idea is that divorced, noncustodial parents statistically tend to drift away from their kids and not provide for them to the same extent that married or custodial parents do. Requiring noncustodial parents to pay for college is seen as a way of remedying that situation and leveling the playing field for those kids.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Scientific child of divorce
The folks over at Scientific American paint a fairly rosy picture for children of divorce in this article. Interestingly, while they included Judith Wallerstein's The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, they do not mention Elizabeth Marquardt's Between Two Worlds which looks at some of the subtler long-term effects of divorce in kids who otherwise appear just fine. Still, if you're looking for some good news, the SA article may be just the thing for you.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Falling and getting back up again
Mark 14 recounts the familiar story of Jesus predicting that Peter will deny knowing him three times before the rooster crows -- in other words, before dawn. Peter's fervent promise to stand by Jesus is usually what stands out to me when I read this story. Of course, we know the truth. Jesus was right. All heck broke loose when a bunch of armed guards showed up to arrest Jesus. His followers who had promised to die by his side ran for their lives, leaving Jesus to face the soldiers and priests on his own. Peter lurked nearby but denied any affiliation with Jesus when confronted by those in the crowd.
What struck me as I read this passage today, though, was something different. Back in verse 27, Jesus begins by telling the disciples that they will all desert him. But then in verse 28 he says, "But after I am raised from the dead, I will go ahead of you to Galilee and meet you there."
These words seem like a foretaste of grace and forgiveness. Jesus has just informed his closest friends that they will abandon him in his hour of greatest need. But then he turns around and tells them that he'll be waiting for them at a pre-arranged meeting spot. No scolding or shaming, no guilt trips. Just a simple, "Yep, you're going to turn your back on me, and then we'll meet up later." Clean slate. And the sure knowledge that even though they are going to abandon him for awhile, they'll be back by his side before long.
Yes, Jesus could see their future failures. But he was also aware of -- and careful to tell them about -- their future obedience and his future grace.
What struck me as I read this passage today, though, was something different. Back in verse 27, Jesus begins by telling the disciples that they will all desert him. But then in verse 28 he says, "But after I am raised from the dead, I will go ahead of you to Galilee and meet you there."
These words seem like a foretaste of grace and forgiveness. Jesus has just informed his closest friends that they will abandon him in his hour of greatest need. But then he turns around and tells them that he'll be waiting for them at a pre-arranged meeting spot. No scolding or shaming, no guilt trips. Just a simple, "Yep, you're going to turn your back on me, and then we'll meet up later." Clean slate. And the sure knowledge that even though they are going to abandon him for awhile, they'll be back by his side before long.
Yes, Jesus could see their future failures. But he was also aware of -- and careful to tell them about -- their future obedience and his future grace.
Thursday, March 06, 2014
A friend in the neighborhood
I am convinced it is no coincidence that Mister Rogers--the sweater-wearing, singing, owner of a secret puppet wonderland--thrived on television during the late 60s and 70s. At a time when divorce rates were skyrocketing and children were reeling, who better to spend a little time with each day than someone who told you that you were special, that you were listened to, that your feelings mattered.
I was reminded of this recently as I watched the documentary "Mister Rogers and Me" on PBS. In one of the opening bits, Wagner tells the story he recounts in his blog here, about Mister Rogers asking about his parents' divorce. The story is just as any kid who grew up watching the show would imagine: Mister Rogers talking about something no one else wants to talk about with kids, giving the kid permission to express what he's feeling, and then letting it all end with a comforting and mood-changing song that says 'even in the midst of sad things, at least we still have each other.'
No wonder we all loved him.
I was reminded of this recently as I watched the documentary "Mister Rogers and Me" on PBS. In one of the opening bits, Wagner tells the story he recounts in his blog here, about Mister Rogers asking about his parents' divorce. The story is just as any kid who grew up watching the show would imagine: Mister Rogers talking about something no one else wants to talk about with kids, giving the kid permission to express what he's feeling, and then letting it all end with a comforting and mood-changing song that says 'even in the midst of sad things, at least we still have each other.'
No wonder we all loved him.
Wednesday, March 05, 2014
Child of television divorce
I don't watch Parenthood, but this article caught my eye. Apparently, one of the families on the show is going through a divorce and a recent episode captured the kids' perspective of being caught in the middle while mom and dad are going their separate ways. The article is worth a read, whether you watch the show or not.
Tuesday, March 04, 2014
Divorce, Hawaiian style
Last week's episode of Hawaii Five-O featured a two-generation story of divorce. Melanie Griffith plays Danno's mom. (Which leads me to wonder, when did Melanie Griffith get old enough to play the mother of a police detective? How time flies.) Danno is expecting his parents to come for a visit, but his mother arrives alone and announces that she is leaving his father.
Later in the episode, Danno talks with his daughter and his mom about his own divorce and how hard it was to tell his daughter that he and her mother were not going to be married anymore. His daughter tells Danno that she remembers that night well and remembers that he then went into his own room and she could hear him crying.
The episode is an interesting twist on a familiar theme. Instead of a character's impending divorce dredging up memories of his parents' divorce, here the parents' impending divorce is bringing back a flood of memories and emotions about his own divorce -- and about his feelings of failure and disappointment as a father.
Later in the episode, Danno talks with his daughter and his mom about his own divorce and how hard it was to tell his daughter that he and her mother were not going to be married anymore. His daughter tells Danno that she remembers that night well and remembers that he then went into his own room and she could hear him crying.
The episode is an interesting twist on a familiar theme. Instead of a character's impending divorce dredging up memories of his parents' divorce, here the parents' impending divorce is bringing back a flood of memories and emotions about his own divorce -- and about his feelings of failure and disappointment as a father.
Monday, March 03, 2014
Monday devo: Intentional loss
This week's sermon at church was on Mark 8:35, "For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it." The pastor followed this with a call to service, to give up one's time and comfort so that others can experience God's grace through our acts.
This verse reminds me of the words of Jim Elliott, who literally gave his life for the sake of the Gospel: "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose."
Jesus was crucified, many of his disciples gave their lives in martyrdom, and even Jim Elliott was murdered on the mission field. In our comfortable, suburban, SUV and latte filled world, we are unlikely to be asked to die for our faith. But these words still ring true in our reality. We are called on quite often to sacrifice our desires, our time, our comfort, our idea of how things should work, our plans and hopes and dreams, so that others can know Jesus or understand a little more about God or see grace in our eyes and our hands.
When these moments of calling occur, we have a choice. We can surrender, giving up our selves and our lives for someone else. When we choose this, we so often find that we are the winners. We gain the joy of seeing someone else come closer to God, the joy of knowing we have done something good, the joy of having a purpose and a role to fill. Or, we can hold tightly to our ways and our desires, carefully protecting the world we have worked so hard to create for ourselves. But when we choose this option, we often find that, rather than gaining something, we have lost something of tremendous value. We lose the opportunity to experience joy, but we also often lose so much more. In our rush to protect our lives, we find that life becomes empty, hollow, without purpose. What were we working so hard to protect? And why does it seem further off than ever?
This verse reminds me of the words of Jim Elliott, who literally gave his life for the sake of the Gospel: "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose."
Jesus was crucified, many of his disciples gave their lives in martyrdom, and even Jim Elliott was murdered on the mission field. In our comfortable, suburban, SUV and latte filled world, we are unlikely to be asked to die for our faith. But these words still ring true in our reality. We are called on quite often to sacrifice our desires, our time, our comfort, our idea of how things should work, our plans and hopes and dreams, so that others can know Jesus or understand a little more about God or see grace in our eyes and our hands.
When these moments of calling occur, we have a choice. We can surrender, giving up our selves and our lives for someone else. When we choose this, we so often find that we are the winners. We gain the joy of seeing someone else come closer to God, the joy of knowing we have done something good, the joy of having a purpose and a role to fill. Or, we can hold tightly to our ways and our desires, carefully protecting the world we have worked so hard to create for ourselves. But when we choose this option, we often find that, rather than gaining something, we have lost something of tremendous value. We lose the opportunity to experience joy, but we also often lose so much more. In our rush to protect our lives, we find that life becomes empty, hollow, without purpose. What were we working so hard to protect? And why does it seem further off than ever?
Thursday, February 27, 2014
If I seem a little crazy...
...this may be why! By the time I was in the 6th grade, I'd been to six different schools (not counting preschool) and lived in five different states.
Oh, and thanks very much to my brother who sent this article to me. What exactly is he implying?
Kidding aside, as much as I changed schools early on, my parents tried to make the transitions a little easier on me by sending me to Christian schools that all used roughly the same curriculum with minor variations. I may have been the new kid, but gosh darn it, I'd used the same reading and math books all the other kids had the previous school year. A small thing, perhaps, but it helped. And, from the article linked above, it seems any small help may be a big thing for the transient child.
Oh, and thanks very much to my brother who sent this article to me. What exactly is he implying?
Kidding aside, as much as I changed schools early on, my parents tried to make the transitions a little easier on me by sending me to Christian schools that all used roughly the same curriculum with minor variations. I may have been the new kid, but gosh darn it, I'd used the same reading and math books all the other kids had the previous school year. A small thing, perhaps, but it helped. And, from the article linked above, it seems any small help may be a big thing for the transient child.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
The face of love
I'm such a sucker for stories like this one, where life takes an unexpected, horrifying turn and love shines through.
They stand in such stark contrast to an interview I remember watching years ago, one of those Barbara Walters specials, with John and Bo Derek. For those too young to remember, Bo was the star of the movie "10" that famously included a scene of her in blond cornrow braids jogging in a swimsuit. During the interview, perhaps sensing that John was infatuated rather than in love, Walters asked him whether he would stay with Bo if she were disfigured in a car accident and got the response she must have sensed was coming: "No." I was a teenager at the time of the interview and still remember the look of embarrassment and pain on Bo's face. John Derek has since died and, happily, Bo seems to have found a steadier love in John Corbett. Here's John C. telling the story of their first date.
They stand in such stark contrast to an interview I remember watching years ago, one of those Barbara Walters specials, with John and Bo Derek. For those too young to remember, Bo was the star of the movie "10" that famously included a scene of her in blond cornrow braids jogging in a swimsuit. During the interview, perhaps sensing that John was infatuated rather than in love, Walters asked him whether he would stay with Bo if she were disfigured in a car accident and got the response she must have sensed was coming: "No." I was a teenager at the time of the interview and still remember the look of embarrassment and pain on Bo's face. John Derek has since died and, happily, Bo seems to have found a steadier love in John Corbett. Here's John C. telling the story of their first date.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Some lines are not meant to be blurred
Blurring the lines between people who are your spouse and people who are not is not a great recipe for longevity in marriage, as Mr. and Mrs. Robin Thicke are apparently learning.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Monday devo: Protecting what's really important
This morning I'm reading Mark 7:1-23, one of the many passages where Jesus chastises the "Pharisees and teachers of religious law." He did this a lot, calling them out for their hypocrisy and the way they liked to burden the people with made up rules that may have been intended for good originally but had come to be more important than the good they were supposed to accomplish. As Jesus put it in verse 8, "For you ignore God's specific laws and substitute your own traditions."
Last week, I read a conversation (for lack of a better word) on the internet. A group of Christians were skewering another Christian because he took a different view than they did on an issue. And not a moral issue, but rather a political issue. In their minds, it seemed, to take any position other than their own was a sin. "Why don't your disciples follow our age-old customs? For they eat without first performing the hand-washing ceremony." (Mark 7:5)
While I'm bothered still by the conversation I read, I'm challenged this week to think about the things -- ideas, traditions, etc. -- that I work so hard to protect that have little real value. What burdens am I imposing on those around me because I think they should act or think a certain way when really, like the Pharisees, I'm simply imposing my own made up rules?
Last week, I read a conversation (for lack of a better word) on the internet. A group of Christians were skewering another Christian because he took a different view than they did on an issue. And not a moral issue, but rather a political issue. In their minds, it seemed, to take any position other than their own was a sin. "Why don't your disciples follow our age-old customs? For they eat without first performing the hand-washing ceremony." (Mark 7:5)
While I'm bothered still by the conversation I read, I'm challenged this week to think about the things -- ideas, traditions, etc. -- that I work so hard to protect that have little real value. What burdens am I imposing on those around me because I think they should act or think a certain way when really, like the Pharisees, I'm simply imposing my own made up rules?
Friday, February 21, 2014
Friday Fun
Head on over to the Child of Divorce, Child of God facebook page for a chance to win an autographed copy of the book!
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Speaking of sweet songs
I'm loving this season of American Idol. I had stopped watching, in part because the judges had become so snarky and childish, but with Keith Urban and Harry Connick, Jr. in the judges' seats this season I tuned in and now I'm hooked. Besides both being fantastic musicians who are being respectful, honest, and encouraging with the contestants, Keith has such a sweet manner and Harry is hilarious and not bad on the eyes.
So last week, they aired just a clip of a song by one of the young hopefuls Sam Woolf, an original that he said he wrote when his mother left. I found the full song on his YouTube page. The lyrics are sometimes a little hard to follow in the performance, but the melody is very nice. If you're a fan, tune in to American Idol because he made the cut last week and will be back to perform another day.
So last week, they aired just a clip of a song by one of the young hopefuls Sam Woolf, an original that he said he wrote when his mother left. I found the full song on his YouTube page. The lyrics are sometimes a little hard to follow in the performance, but the melody is very nice. If you're a fan, tune in to American Idol because he made the cut last week and will be back to perform another day.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Sweet song
OK, I admit it. I'm a convert to country music. I grew up on Madonna and Def Leppard, but somewhere along the way pop music took a turn -- and, yes, I got older. The techno vibes and oversexed lyrics just became too much.
When my youngest brother moved in with me for a few years awhile back, he brought with him a love for country music that I tolerated at first, and then found myself drawn into. This has as much to do with a migration of country music as it does with a migration of pop. Country music today feels like it has more in common with the pop music of my youth than what passes for pop today. With Keith Urban on American Idol and Blake Shelton on The Voice, I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in thinking this way.
All that to say, I'm a late adopter of the country music bandwagon. So, while this is an old song, it was new to me when I heard it recently. The words of this song were so sweet and reminded me of things I've heard many children of divorce say about their own journey into parenthood.
When my youngest brother moved in with me for a few years awhile back, he brought with him a love for country music that I tolerated at first, and then found myself drawn into. This has as much to do with a migration of country music as it does with a migration of pop. Country music today feels like it has more in common with the pop music of my youth than what passes for pop today. With Keith Urban on American Idol and Blake Shelton on The Voice, I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in thinking this way.
All that to say, I'm a late adopter of the country music bandwagon. So, while this is an old song, it was new to me when I heard it recently. The words of this song were so sweet and reminded me of things I've heard many children of divorce say about their own journey into parenthood.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Monday devo: Pity and anger
As promised, this is a new feature. I hope to publish a short piece every Monday, writing about something I've been reading in the Bible. Because what better way to start Monday than to start it with God.
Last night, I was reading these words in the first chapter of the gospel of Mark: "A man with leprosy came and knelt in front of Jesus, begging to be healed. 'If you want to, you can make me well again,' he said. Moved with pity, Jesus touched him. 'I want to,' he said. 'Be healed.' Instantly the leprosy disappeared--the man was healed." (Mark 1:40-42).
Next to the phrase "moved with pity" was an asterisk that led me to a note at the bottom of the page that read "Some manuscripts read 'moved with anger.'"
I find it so interesting that these two words would be used in this situation. Pity denotes sorrow and compassion, and certainly we often feel sorrow for and compassion on those who are suffering. "I'm so sorry for your loss." "I'm sorry this happened to you."
But anger is also a common and natural reaction to suffering. If we know who caused the suffering, we feel angry at them. Other times we feel angry at God, at fate, at the universe, at life. Things were supposed to be different and someone or something is to blame. If we want to sound spiritual, we might call it righteous indignation. Anger.
Whether our reaction to suffering is pity or anger would seem to depend on our perspective. Are we focused on the person who is suffering? Pity that poor person. Are we focused on the cause of the suffering? How dare that person/thing cause this kind of suffering.
As he so often did, my guess is that Jesus managed to capture both sides at once in perfect balance -- pity for the sufferer, anger at the thing that causes suffering to be part of our world.
A reminder to me as I start this week to not overlook the real plight of people in my righteous indignation and to remember in the face of suffering that this is not the way things are supposed to be.
Last night, I was reading these words in the first chapter of the gospel of Mark: "A man with leprosy came and knelt in front of Jesus, begging to be healed. 'If you want to, you can make me well again,' he said. Moved with pity, Jesus touched him. 'I want to,' he said. 'Be healed.' Instantly the leprosy disappeared--the man was healed." (Mark 1:40-42).
Next to the phrase "moved with pity" was an asterisk that led me to a note at the bottom of the page that read "Some manuscripts read 'moved with anger.'"
I find it so interesting that these two words would be used in this situation. Pity denotes sorrow and compassion, and certainly we often feel sorrow for and compassion on those who are suffering. "I'm so sorry for your loss." "I'm sorry this happened to you."
But anger is also a common and natural reaction to suffering. If we know who caused the suffering, we feel angry at them. Other times we feel angry at God, at fate, at the universe, at life. Things were supposed to be different and someone or something is to blame. If we want to sound spiritual, we might call it righteous indignation. Anger.
Whether our reaction to suffering is pity or anger would seem to depend on our perspective. Are we focused on the person who is suffering? Pity that poor person. Are we focused on the cause of the suffering? How dare that person/thing cause this kind of suffering.
As he so often did, my guess is that Jesus managed to capture both sides at once in perfect balance -- pity for the sufferer, anger at the thing that causes suffering to be part of our world.
A reminder to me as I start this week to not overlook the real plight of people in my righteous indignation and to remember in the face of suffering that this is not the way things are supposed to be.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Blog reboot
Hello friends! After another long hiatus, I hope to be back and posting regularly. I hope you'll join the conversation. In addition to the material that has been on this blog in the past, there will be some new features. I'm excited to be back and sharing this journey with you.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Seeing with eyes of love
"Some people don't take their vows seriously," Donnie said. "This woman did." See more here.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Hello from a long lost friend
Dear blog friends, this has been mostly a static blog for some time now since I entered law school last year. I greatly appreciate all of you who are still reading (wow, there are a lot of you!) and those of you who have emailed me with comments and questions. Keep them coming!
Child of Divorce, Child of God is now available on WORDSearch and on the Kindle. The print edition is going out of print, so the electronic versions may be your best option if you cannot find a print copy in a bookstore or online book retailer.
Child of Divorce, Child of God is now available on WORDSearch and on the Kindle. The print edition is going out of print, so the electronic versions may be your best option if you cannot find a print copy in a bookstore or online book retailer.
Friday, January 29, 2010
More accessible than ever
Child of Divorce, Child of God is now available on Read How You Want, an online bookstore that provides customized large-print editions for people with visual impairment.
Thursday, January 07, 2010
Blowing into the Windy City
If you're in the Chicago area, you can hear me, live, on the radio this coming Monday, January 11, at 11 a.m. Central time, on WMBI 90.1FM. Or listen online at their web site. I'll be talking with host Nancy Turner about my book, Child of Divorce, Child of God: A Journey of Hope and Healing.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Upcoming engagements
- Beginning on Saturday, October 24, you can listen to me on Phyllis Wallace's Woman to Woman program on www.womantowomanradio.com
- Sunday, October 25 I'll be speaking to a group of divorced parents at Gateway Baptist Church in Columbia, South Carolina
- On December 12, you can listen to me at 8pm London time (3pm Eastern time in the US) on www.twr.uk.org. The interview will be available in the show archives after it airs.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Time for some straight talk
Time magazine has a good article on the state of the American family, including the devastating effects of divorce on children. Two snippets:
a lasting covenant between a man and a woman can be a vehicle for the nurture and protection of each other, the one reliable shelter in an uncaring world —or it can be a matchless tool for the infliction of suffering on the people you supposedly love above all others, most of all on your children...
...is marriage an institution that still hews to its old intention and function — to raise the next generation, to protect and teach it, to instill in it the habits of conduct and character that will ensure the generation's own safe passage into adulthood? Think of it this way: the current generation of children, the one watching commitments between adults snap like dry twigs and observing parents who simply can't be bothered to marry each other and who hence drift in and out of their children's lives — that's the generation who will be taking care of us when we are old.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Jon & Kate + 8 children of divorce
Diane Singer, one of my fellow bloggers at The Point has weighed in on the reality show that will apparently follow 8 new children of divorce:
Though I have seen only a few of the episodes, I find the news of the Gosselins' impending divorce a cause to grieve -- for these children and for this couple, who seem to think wealth and fame are more important than marriage and family. How I wish Jon and Kate would turn off the cameras, get into marriage counseling, and -- for the sake of their eight children -- act like adults rather than glory hounds.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
What has to be done
Now, this is a poster child for a child of divorce. Ronetta Alexander managed to run track, get a doctorate in pharmacology, and raise her teenage sister. While "Alexander's friends marvel at her maturity and self-reliance," Ronetta told The State newspaper, "I just thought, it's life. To me, it's life."
Monday, June 08, 2009
Psychobabble child of divorce
The Houston Chronicle did an article recently (which appears to no longer be available online) on John Bradshaw, a popular self-help guru who coined the term "inner child" and, according to the Chronicle, "brought talk of dysfunctional families into the mainstream."
Interestingly, Bradshaw, who is now 75 years old, was a teenage child of divorce.
Why am I not surprised that a child of divorce blossomed in the SELF-help industry?
Interestingly, Bradshaw, who is now 75 years old, was a teenage child of divorce.
Why am I not surprised that a child of divorce blossomed in the SELF-help industry?
Dear Abby....
...please tell parents not to be hateful toward their children during a divorce. Honestly, what made this mom think this was EVER appropriate to share with her daughter? Good grief.
Your chance to be a book reviewer
USA Today has a new blog discussing books about faith. I'd love it if someone would submit a review of Child of Divorce, Child of God. Read more about the blog and how to submit reviews here.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
I see you, CIU
I had the fantastic opportunity to talk this morning with grad students who are studying to be counselors at Columbia International University. We spent an hour talking about children of divorce and had some great discussion.
If you would like me to come speak at your event, contact me at steakley7 at yahoo dot com.
If you would like me to come speak at your event, contact me at steakley7 at yahoo dot com.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Online with the Christophers
You can hear the audio of my interview with Tony Rossi of The Christophers on their web site here.
Talk amongst yourselves
If you would like a .pdf file of chapter-by-chapter discussion questions for individual or group study drawn from Child of Divorce, Child of God, please contact me by email at steakley7 at yahoo dot com. The questions are written to the adult child of divorced parents and are designed to help you begin to apply the verses and thoughts shared in each chapter to your own life.
Coming to a bookstore near you...
I've just received word that Child of Divorce, Child of God is going into a second printing here in the U.S.
In related news, the Korean arm of InterVarsity Press has picked up Child of Divorce, Child of God and will be translating the book for publication in Korean. I'm told that process can take up to two years, but I'm grateful that our Korean friends will get to read the book in their own language.
In related news, the Korean arm of InterVarsity Press has picked up Child of Divorce, Child of God and will be translating the book for publication in Korean. I'm told that process can take up to two years, but I'm grateful that our Korean friends will get to read the book in their own language.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Letting the (basketball) courts decide
I love this story on CNN's web site. This high school basketball coach in northern Ireland has formed a team of kids from the two sides of the religious and political spectrum, something of a miracle in a land that has seen decades of violence over those issues. What's even more inspiring, though, is that the kids on his team are all from broken homes.
These kids have all experienced conflict that could not be resolved--the conflict between their parents--but now they're being shown that perhaps even bigger conflicts can be resolved. What an amazing life lesson for them. Kudos to the coach and let's hope these guys can keep playing in peace and show their countrymen that our differences don't have to divide us.
These kids have all experienced conflict that could not be resolved--the conflict between their parents--but now they're being shown that perhaps even bigger conflicts can be resolved. What an amazing life lesson for them. Kudos to the coach and let's hope these guys can keep playing in peace and show their countrymen that our differences don't have to divide us.
Monday, December 22, 2008
When the elephant leaves
From a dad, writing in the Chicago Trib:
Most parents, whether together or apart, try not to have the messy circumstances of their own lives bleed into the world of their children. How many shoppers this season have said that they are determined not to let the dismal economy dampen the holiday? But sometimes truth is a missile, unavoidable. Kate remains young enough not to realize how her existence is different from that of many classmates because her mother and father do not live together. But the wheels are turning. She groups her beloved stuffed animals in family units. There must always be a mother and a father and a baby. That view of what is "normal" is bound to change. At some point, one of those elephants is going to take a powder.
Newsweek on divorce
Newsweek has a good article on the challenges of post-divorce parenting from the parent's perspective, along with a video featuring a 14-year-old girl talking about her daily life shuttling between two parents.
Star 88.3 interview
Here's a link to an interview I did with Melissa Montana on Star 88.3 out of Missouri. And here is part two of the interview.
Playing the trump card
From an article about Child of Divorce, Child of God on the Christian Grandparenting Network web site:
If you have ever played a card game involving the use of a "trump" card or suit, you know the frustration of playing what you think is a winning hand only to have it trumped by someone else. Now is the time for Christians to play our "trump card" -- our belief in an all powerful and loving God...As grandparents, we know all about the ravages of divorce, even as Christians. If you are living with the reality of divorce in your family, this is a place where "intentionality" is crucial. We are in a unique position to help our grandchildren of divorce find healing and hope. But it means we must build a solid framework of truth about the God who IS, and that He really does care about the burdens and wounds they bear.
Friday, December 05, 2008
BreakPoint on Child of Divorce
Today's BreakPoint commentary features Child of Divorce, Child of God. You can read the transcript or listen online here.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Time for Hope
Beginning this week, you can see a taped television interview I did with Dr. Freda Crews on her program titled Time for Hope. The program will be available on the Time for Hope web site, and you can click your state on this map to see when the program will air on television near you.
Divorce in WorldView
BreakPoint WorldView magazine is running an excerpt from Child of Divorce, Child of God. You can subscribe online for free and get links to a number of reprinted and original articles on a variety of topics from a decidedly Christian viewpoint.
Crosswalk excerpt
Crosswalk.com is running an excerpt from Child of Divorce, Child of God on their web site. Check it out here. And while you're there, leave a comment to let them (and me) know what you think.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
On the radio and online, Monday
You can hear me talk about Child of Divorce, Child of God on Monday at 1 p.m. Central time for 45 minutes. I'll be on Northwestern College Radio's Along the Way program. The web site for the program is here and the streaming audio, where you can listen online, is here. If you live in the Twin Cities, Duluth, Fargo, Sioux Falls, Waterloo or Madison, you can listen on the radio.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Can you hear me now
Audio of my interview earlier this month with Ted Elm on WWJC's Northland Notebook in Minnesota is available online here.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Where in the World is my book?
Thanks to Susan Olasky at World magazine for reviewing Child of Divorce, Child of God. The review is available by subsciption only on World's web site or in the current print issue. Here's a teaser:
"Her memories strike a balance between ugly reality and compassion—this
isn't a blame-throwing volume, but it also won't provide comfort to those
wanting justification to divorce."
Friday, October 24, 2008
Heartbreaking
From a column in the Telegraph:
Read more here.
I am still trying to come to terms with my parents' divorce, 54 years ago. I've recently spent time with my 92-year-old father whom I hadn't seen for 25 years, and before that, for nearly 30. Following the divorce, Dad moved to Canada to start a new life and we heard little from him. He bought a computer for his 90th birthday and we began emailing, which is how we came to meet again. The two weeks we have just shared were very special. I felt a mixture of great happiness, because we got on so well, and sadness because I have missed so much.
Read more here.
Zing or sting?
Coming soon to a theater near you, a hilarious satire about grown children of divorce still caught in the crossfire. Hahahaha, I'm laughing already. At least it's billed as a dark comedy. The writers of the screenplay had this to say about their script being picked up by Miramax: "We're very glad to get the validation from Miramax, especially since we've been working on the script longer than any of our parents were married." Mom and Dad must be so proud.
Reality check for mom
From an Ask Amy column, a reader writes about her daughter's lingering emotions four years after the parents' divorce:
Oh, dear. At least Amy was willing to serve up a little reality for this mother. Read her answer here.
But my youngest daughter, 15, is having the hardest time coming to terms with it all. She is moody, gets upset easily and still yearns for life as it was before. She was very close to her dad, but he does only an average job of staying in touch with her. But I feel by now she should be used to life as it is.
How much longer is this going to take?
Oh, dear. At least Amy was willing to serve up a little reality for this mother. Read her answer here.
Redecorating divorce
From an advice column in an Oklahoma newspaper:
Click here to read Mi-Ling's answer.
DEAR MI-LING: I am nearing the end of a painful divorce. I want to redo my home and make it my own, leaving behind all of the bad memories of this relationship. Is this healthy for my school-age children or should I keep some of the old memories in the house to help them feel comfortable?
Click here to read Mi-Ling's answer.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Across the amber (air)waves of grain
If you live in Duluth or Portland, you might have heard me on the radio today. Ted Elm of Northland Notebook in Duluth, Minnesota (WWJC) had me on his show this morning. This afternoon (their time), I talked with Georgene Rice on KPDQ in Portland. Next week I'll be doing several taped interviews that will air at later dates and times. More to come.
Splitting up our selves
If you live in two worlds, are you still just one person? That's the question that seems to be asked in a book for children called A Heart with Two Homes. From GTR Newspapers:
The author, Monica Epperson, is a Christian whose faith informs her writing about the topic of divorce:
In a beautifully simple and accessible way, along with wonderful illustrations, the book tells the story of a young girl named Elizabeth; “Lizzie” to her mom, and “Beth” to her dad. “Lizzie” is a girl who is a “girly-girl” when at home with her mother because she and her mother spend time doing girl things, and she wants to please her mother. “Beth” is a tomboy when she is at her dad’s house because they spend time doing sports, and she wants to please her dad. It’s a story about a young girl who moves from being “Lizzie” to “Beth” on a regular basis, who feels increasingly distressed that she is being dishonest about who she is because she had two “different selves,” and who eventually is able to integrate “Lizzie” and “Beth” and just be a girl with a one heart named “Elizabeth” who has two loving homes.
The author, Monica Epperson, is a Christian whose faith informs her writing about the topic of divorce:
“Starting when I was very young my mother told me that I always had and always will have a Father in heaven. Consequently, even though I experienced five divorces before I was 12, I have never felt fatherless. I have always known that I have a Father, that He has always loved me and that He will never leave me.“ In fact, Epperson is already busy writing her next book, “Never Left Fatherless.”
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Challies review
Click here to read Tim Challies' review of Child of Divorce, Child of God. Many thanks to Tim for the great review!
Just a side note: When I read Tim's review there was one comment from a guy who wondered how the book would be different if written from a male perspective. He hadn't read the book, but if you're like him and wondering whether this book will be specific to my own situation as a child of divorce and a woman, let me assure you that's not the case. While I do tell my own story of growing up as a child whose parents divorced when she was three, I also interviewed others and include their stories as well. The book includes stories of people whose parents divorced when they were children, teens and even adults; stories of people whose fathers were the ones who left and others whose mothers were the ones who left; and, yes, stories of both men and women who had experienced the divorce of their parents.
Just a side note: When I read Tim's review there was one comment from a guy who wondered how the book would be different if written from a male perspective. He hadn't read the book, but if you're like him and wondering whether this book will be specific to my own situation as a child of divorce and a woman, let me assure you that's not the case. While I do tell my own story of growing up as a child whose parents divorced when she was three, I also interviewed others and include their stories as well. The book includes stories of people whose parents divorced when they were children, teens and even adults; stories of people whose fathers were the ones who left and others whose mothers were the ones who left; and, yes, stories of both men and women who had experienced the divorce of their parents.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Allergic to divorce
Have you noticed how many kids today have allergies? Researchers in Germany might have an explanation for this trend. Apparently, they've connected immune deficiencies, including asthma, allergies, and eczema to childhood stress and specifically to the separation or divorce of one's parents.
Meet me in St Louie
I'll be on KFUO, broadcasting out of St. Louis, today at 5 p.m. Eastern. You can listen online here.
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Radio interview
You can listen to me live on WMUZ (Detroit) on Monday, September 8 from 1:00 to 1:30 pm Eastern. Follow the link to listen online.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
9Marks Buzz
My pastor, Mike McKinley, just posted a gracious recommendation of Child of Divorce, Child of God on the 9Marks blog. If you're a pastor or lay leader and aren't familiar with the 9Marks blog, you should check it out; it's a great group of pastors who discuss theology, church life, and the occasional scary baby video. (I'm sure a lot of people thought he was cute, but that kid freaked me out more than Chucky.)
Detroit radio on Monday
I'll be doing a live radio interview on Monday, September 8, with Bob Dutko of WMUZ in Detroit beginning at 1:00 Eastern and lasting for a half hour. If you're not in the Detroit area, you can listen online.
Stay tuned for info on future listening opportunities!
Friday, August 29, 2008
Tune in
I'll be doing a 45 minute live radio interview with Neil Boron of WDCX FM in the Buffalo, New York/Toronto area this coming Tuesday, September 2, from 3:15 to 4:00 p.m. Eastern time. You can listen to the program streaming live over the Internet at www.wdcxfm.com. We'll be talking about the book, so tune in to listen.
Later in the month, I'll be doing a 25 minute live radio interview with WWJC in Duluth, Minnesota. That interview is scheduled for 10:05 to 10:30 a.m. on September 25th and should be available by live stream on www.wwjc.com.
Later in the month, I'll be doing a 25 minute live radio interview with WWJC in Duluth, Minnesota. That interview is scheduled for 10:05 to 10:30 a.m. on September 25th and should be available by live stream on www.wwjc.com.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Sibling squabbles
Yesterday's Washington Post reported that Cindy McCain has two half-sisters, one of whom is upset that Mrs. McCain talks about herself as an only child. Then, Vanity Fair in Italy broke news that Senator Obama has a half brother who lives in poverty in Kenya.
The implication in both cases seems to be that we should blame the famous half siblings for something, but is that really fair? Who knows what bad blood has passed between Mrs. McCain and her half sister, but I would guess that the half sister's rage is really toward her father who abruptly and without explanation cut her and her children out of an inheritance they apparently expected. Senator Obama has only met his half brother twice. Neither of them ever lived with their half siblings.
I blogged some time ago on the distinctions that children of divorce often make between family relationships. It's not surprising to me that Mrs. McCain and Senator Obama feel disconnected from people who share a parent and little else with them. Mrs. McCain's half sister expressed anger at hearing the Senator's wife describe herself as an "only child," and if she said she was the only child of her father, I can understand the half sister's dismay; but what if she said she was the only child of her father and mother? Another story altogether.
Ah, the complications that divorce brings into our lives!
The implication in both cases seems to be that we should blame the famous half siblings for something, but is that really fair? Who knows what bad blood has passed between Mrs. McCain and her half sister, but I would guess that the half sister's rage is really toward her father who abruptly and without explanation cut her and her children out of an inheritance they apparently expected. Senator Obama has only met his half brother twice. Neither of them ever lived with their half siblings.
I blogged some time ago on the distinctions that children of divorce often make between family relationships. It's not surprising to me that Mrs. McCain and Senator Obama feel disconnected from people who share a parent and little else with them. Mrs. McCain's half sister expressed anger at hearing the Senator's wife describe herself as an "only child," and if she said she was the only child of her father, I can understand the half sister's dismay; but what if she said she was the only child of her father and mother? Another story altogether.
Ah, the complications that divorce brings into our lives!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
What's a dad to do?
Did you notice all the moms at this year's Olympics? This writer did:
Leading him to ask, are men necessary? Maureen Dowd asked that in a recent book title. Boteach's conclusion, however:
Indeed, the number of superior male athletes at the Olympics who look to their mother, as opposed to their father, for inspiration is astonishing. Basketball superstar LeBron James was raised alone by his mother Gloria to whom he remains especially devoted. Jamaican uber-sprinter Usain Bolt ran straight to his mother Jennifer's arms after breaking the world record in the 100 meter dash and becoming the fastest man alive. America's best male sprinter, Tyson Gay, is so close to his mother Daisy that he phones her every day and especially an hour before he races to help calm his nerves. The list goes on.
Leading him to ask, are men necessary? Maureen Dowd asked that in a recent book title. Boteach's conclusion, however:
And then I remembered. Yes, there was one big thing. I alone could love their mother. That was not something she could do on her own. I could teach my children by means of living example the glories of devotion to a special woman who sacrifices so much on all of our behalf. I could show my children that love was not a fantasy concocted in Hollywood or invented in a novel. I alone could demonstrate to my children that their mother was precious and that love was real. No one could do this but me. I was necessary after all, as was every other father and husband.
In other words, the greatest gift a man gives his children is to love their mother. By doing so, he imparts the lesson that there are things in life more glittering than gold and more precious than rubies.
A mother's response
This is a perfect follow up to the article I just posted:
I won’t sit back, though, and let this ruin me. But I will look at my children every day for the rest of my life, and see the pain and hurt their father caused by walking out. The distrust, anger, and pain that this has carved in their life will never be erased. How can I be so sure? I was the child of a divorce. This is not something a child gets over. Divorce is something children learn to live with because their parents have given them no choice.
My ex asked me during the whole separation process, “Do you really think the kids want me stay married and be unhappy?”
Um. Yeah. I do. It’s called love: unconditional, selfless, pure love. This is a value that is slowly diminishing in our society.
Someone should be committed
With all due respect to this columnist, he has missed the point. Apparenty, in an earlier column Neil the columnist advised a man to leave his wife. A reader offered this protest:
Unmoved, Neil the columnist responds:
What Neil fails to realize is that the end of an unhappy marriage for the person who feels trapped in it may feel like an escape from hell for him or her, but it is really just the beginning of hell for the kids whose lives will never be the same. And, can't you just imagine this conversation: "Kids, as you know, I psychologically divorced your mother five years ago." Huh?
Now, try imagining this conversation between a father and his adult child: "Son, marriage with your mother has been difficult and not at all what I expected. Still, I made a commitment to her and to you kids and no matter how difficult things were, no matter how much I was tempted to think that I might be happier if I left, I couldn't do that to you all. I love you and I want you to know that commitments are important and you are important. It's important to stand by your commitments, Son, even when they are difficult to follow through on."
Hmm. That's probably just too crazy to imagine.
This life is not all about you. Your happiness is not the center of the known universe. This man has three children, a wife and I imagine friends and extended family who will also be fractured from this, and all you talked to him about is his happiness. Do you think children or young adults will be happier because one parent decides to pursue their own happiness?
Unmoved, Neil the columnist responds:
No, I would argue that couples, even couples with children, should not stay together if they are psychologically divorced — or if one of them is. It’s too cold an environment to bring kids up in, and it’s unhealthy for everyone involved. Few marriages are made in heaven, but no one should have to tolerate hell forever.
What Neil fails to realize is that the end of an unhappy marriage for the person who feels trapped in it may feel like an escape from hell for him or her, but it is really just the beginning of hell for the kids whose lives will never be the same. And, can't you just imagine this conversation: "Kids, as you know, I psychologically divorced your mother five years ago." Huh?
Now, try imagining this conversation between a father and his adult child: "Son, marriage with your mother has been difficult and not at all what I expected. Still, I made a commitment to her and to you kids and no matter how difficult things were, no matter how much I was tempted to think that I might be happier if I left, I couldn't do that to you all. I love you and I want you to know that commitments are important and you are important. It's important to stand by your commitments, Son, even when they are difficult to follow through on."
Hmm. That's probably just too crazy to imagine.
Dropping the ball
Boston Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek and his wife Karen filed for divorce this summer. The couple has 3 young daughters, ages 3, 6, and 8.
HT: Catherine Larson, wife of famous Red Sox fan Mark Larson
HT: Catherine Larson, wife of famous Red Sox fan Mark Larson
Now you see Dad, now you don't
Children of divorce sometimes talk about having to be selective in their memories, parsing out the stories of vacations and holidays and fun times depending on which parent they are with at the moment and which parent was or was not a participant in the original festivities. We lose something of ourselves by having to carefully edit our speech. Now it seems, we're in danger of having our visual memories edited for the comfort and convenience of others as well.
Idealized images, she said, can give people “a new script for dealing with problems families have always had: family members who don’t get along, divorce.”HT: Gina Dalfonso
“If you can’t have the perfect family,” she added, “at least you can Photoshop it.”
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Top 10 list for the book release
Well, the day has finally come and my book, Child of Divorce, Child of God: A Journey of Hope and Healing, is about to hit a bookshelf near you! I am so inexpressibly grateful to the many people who have supported me and encouraged me through this process. As the official release date (September 1) draws near, I wanted to let you know of some final ways that you can help. With a nod to David Letterman and to Jen Abbas de Jong (from whom I stole some of these ideas), here are the top 10 ways you can help make this book launch a success:
10. Buy the book! It’s available online at Amazon, Parable, Christian Book Distributors (CBD), Barnes & Noble, Borders, Books-a-Million, Target, and Lifeway Christian Stores to list a few.
9. Ask your local book stores to carry a copy.
8. Ask your library to carry a copy. Don’t forget your church library.
7. Tell others about the book. Some suggestions: adult children of divorce, parents who are divorced, your pastor, anyone who ministers to young adults, Christian counselors, local Divorce Care or Divorce Care for Kids leaders.
6. If you have any contacts with local media who might want to run a review, write an article, or do an interview with me, please tell them the about the book.
5. I’m willing to travel as needed (and as my budget allows), so if your church or a group you are involved in would like to have me come and speak for a special event, I’d be happy to do so (and even happier, for those out of town events, if the group will pay my travel expenses); I’m also happy to do book signings. (Note to my Illinois friends: I’ll be in IL for a wedding in mid-October.)
4. Write a review of the book on any of the online retailer sites.
3. If you’re part of a book club that reads nonfiction, suggest Child of Divorce, Child of God.
2. Consider buying extra copies of the book and giving them out to children of divorce, pastors, counselors or others who might be interested.
1. And the number one way you can make this book launch a success…PRAY! Please pray with me that this book will make it into the hands of many hurting individuals and that they will find the hope and healing that only comes through Jesus Christ!
10. Buy the book! It’s available online at Amazon, Parable, Christian Book Distributors (CBD), Barnes & Noble, Borders, Books-a-Million, Target, and Lifeway Christian Stores to list a few.
9. Ask your local book stores to carry a copy.
8. Ask your library to carry a copy. Don’t forget your church library.
7. Tell others about the book. Some suggestions: adult children of divorce, parents who are divorced, your pastor, anyone who ministers to young adults, Christian counselors, local Divorce Care or Divorce Care for Kids leaders.
6. If you have any contacts with local media who might want to run a review, write an article, or do an interview with me, please tell them the about the book.
5. I’m willing to travel as needed (and as my budget allows), so if your church or a group you are involved in would like to have me come and speak for a special event, I’d be happy to do so (and even happier, for those out of town events, if the group will pay my travel expenses); I’m also happy to do book signings. (Note to my Illinois friends: I’ll be in IL for a wedding in mid-October.)
4. Write a review of the book on any of the online retailer sites.
3. If you’re part of a book club that reads nonfiction, suggest Child of Divorce, Child of God.
2. Consider buying extra copies of the book and giving them out to children of divorce, pastors, counselors or others who might be interested.
1. And the number one way you can make this book launch a success…PRAY! Please pray with me that this book will make it into the hands of many hurting individuals and that they will find the hope and healing that only comes through Jesus Christ!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Books are here!
After a long absence from the blogosphere--during which my wonderful parents spent two weeks doing back-breaking labor, painting and installing laminate flooring at my house, not to mention hanging new lights, replacing bad outlets, making snacks at the most opportune times, and conducting a neighborhood seminar on the poisonous plants of northern Virginia--I am excited to report that a small stack of my books is sitting next to me as I type this! My author's copies arrived on the FedEx truck today, rescuing what was otherwise a very stressful and frustrating Monday.
I sent out emails today offering to speak at several local church-based divorce support groups. If you'd like me to speak at a gathering, do a booksigning, or do a Q&A or guest column on your blog, contact me through the link in my blogger profile.
You can now read an excerpt of the book on Amazon, so go check it out! (See the link to the right.)
I sent out emails today offering to speak at several local church-based divorce support groups. If you'd like me to speak at a gathering, do a booksigning, or do a Q&A or guest column on your blog, contact me through the link in my blogger profile.
You can now read an excerpt of the book on Amazon, so go check it out! (See the link to the right.)
Monday, July 14, 2008
All I can say is, wow...
Seen in the Washington Post:
"She was always my hero when I was growing up. . . . I feel like I have to be the mother now." -- Brooke Hogan, daughter of former pro wrestler Hulk Hogan and sister to the incarcerated Nick Hogan, speaking to "Access Hollywood" on her strained relationship with her mother, Linda, 48, who is dating a 19-year-old former classmate of Brooke's.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Learning to juggle
From Dr. Joyce Brothers' column:
DEAR DR. BROTHERS: I'm 16 years old, and I play three sports and am an editor on the school paper in addition to volunteering at the local hospital and our homeless shelter. I've been dreaming of going to a top Ivy League school my whole life, and I'm doing everything I can to get in. I'm terrified that I won't get in, and I'm totally stressed out. On top of all this, my parents are getting a divorce. It's really hard to be at home, and I don't know what to do. How can I keep my schoolwork up, keep doing all my extracurricular stuff and keep my home life together? -- D.H.
80 years, still hurting
From a column in the Toledo Blade:
Father's Day was never a favorite holiday for me as a child. When I saw it coming on the calendar I was uneasy. Would it be my Sunday to be with my dad? If it weren't, I would have to wish him a Happy Father's Day on the Sunday before or after.
As a child of divorce, who as a senior citizen still feels the pain, I share these personal experiences for divorced single parents. It is not a request for sympathy, but a message that I hope will sink in to single mothers and fathers.
We all hear the staggering numbers of today's divorce rates. Back in the early '30s, on the brink of the Great Depression, it was quite uncommon. I was 3 years old. All I remember is that one day my dad didn't come home from the post office, and from that day on I saw him every other Sunday, according to a court order, and two weeks in summer.
The other dads
From an op-ed piece in the Baltimore Sun:
...the United States has a proud past of notable stepfathers. George Washington, the "father of our country," was a stepfather to Martha's children. Dr. Seuss was a stepfather, as was the famous baby doctor Benjamin Spock. So too were authors C.S. Lewis and E.B. White, actors Ashton Kutcher and Brad Pitt, Sen. John
Kerry and singer Johnny Cash.
Former Presidents Bill Clinton and Gerald Ford had stepfathers who adopted them. Meriwether Lewis, the great explorer, had a stepfather, as did Booker T. Washington, Charlton Heston, jazz artist George Benson, country singer Shania Twain, authors Anne Perry and Truman Capote, and presidential candidate Barack Obama.
Dads in church
Brad Wilcox had a nice piece in the Wall Street Journal last week about the influence of church communities on fatherhood.
...religious fathers are more likely to devote time, attention and affection to their children than their secular peers. For example, compared with dads who indicate no religious affiliation, fathers who attend religious services regularly devote at least two more hours per week to youth-related activities, such as coaching soccer or leading a Boy Scout troop. Churchgoing fathers are also significantly more likely to keep tabs on their children, monitoring their activities and friends. Finally, religious fathers are about 65% more likely than unaffiliated fathers to report praising and hugging their school-age children "very often."
Travel tip
You know you've stopped for lunch in a high crime neighborhood when they have to padlock the toilet paper.
Seen at an Arby's near Fredericksburg, Virginia.
Seen at an Arby's near Fredericksburg, Virginia.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Crash helmet for divorce
From a review of A Nation of Wimps in the Wall Street Journal:
...even as parents obsessively strap bike helmets on their kids' heads and squirt antiseptic gels on their hands, the adults themselves cavalierly break up families with divorce and tolerate the rampant sexualization of prepubescent girls. In short, we're focusing on the wrong risks.
Splitting pennies
Financial planner Linda Leitz has a new book out to help divorced parents talk with their kids about money. Called "We Need to Talk: Money & Kids After Divorce," Leitz's book is designed to help parents understand how the financial strains of divorce affect children and how they can help children feel able to do their part to make things easier financially without feeling the adult-sized burden of financial worries.
Amy-able wedding advice
Dear Amy: My daughter is getting married this summer. She is 22. Her biological father left us in 1994 for his secretary and has since married her. He pays child support and calls once in a while, but he was distant through her "terrible teens." I remarried in 1996. Our combined kids were 5, 6, 7, 8 and 10 at the time we married. My husband and kids have been close, and now that there is a wedding, the secretary/second wife has contacted our daughter and asked about the ceremony. She wants to make sure my daughter's biological dad walks her down the aisle. She says only the biological dad should do so. The kids and I believe the stepdad should be involved because he has chosen to be a part of the kids' lives for more than 12 years, dealing with cuts, scrapes, car crashes, boys, school, etc.I would not dream of excluding the stepdad or the new step-secretary-wife of the biological dad. This must be a common problem. What do you suggest? How can both dads be involved?—Wondering Mom
Click here to read Amy's sound advice.
Monday, May 12, 2008
BreakPoint weighs in on divorce
Today's BreakPoint radio commentary features the post I did on "Redeeming Divorce."
...as Kristine Steakley, author of the forthcoming book Child of Divorce, Child of God and a blogger at The Point, wrote recently, “God offers us a better comfort. He doesn’t give us acceptance; He gives us redemption. . . . His comfort does not say, ‘Well, that’s just the way things are; better get used to it.’ Rather, His comfort says that our world is essentially broken and that our only hope is the redemption that He himself offers.”
And that is the message the Church must send to the Divorce Generation. The brokenness caused by divorce is palpable. The pain is real. There is a reason God says, “I hate divorce.” But He is also the God who makes all things new, Who binds up the broken-hearted.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Not the reality you wanted
Glenn Sacks, on why a reality TV show aimed at humiliating deadbeat dads is a bad idea:
"The worst part about Bad Dads is the way it publicly humiliates children of divorce by depicting their fathers as not loving or caring for them. These children did not volunteer to be humiliated on national television."
Beyond the headline
This headline keeps popping up in my inbox:
or not:
Study: Impact of divorce on kids less damaging
For years, social scientists have believed that children of divorce have had more behavior problems than kids growing up in two-parent homes.
But the impact may not be as damaging as previously believed, according to new research to be released Friday.
Instead of comparing these youngsters to those with intact families - the usual methodology - a more accurate assessment would be to evaluate them before and after the marital dissolution, argues Alan Li of the RAND Corp.
or not:
Robert E. Emery, a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia, takes issue with the conclusion. While Li may not have found increased negative behavior, less quantifiable is the hurt that can reverberate across a lifespan, he explained.
"For example, graduation and weddings can be turned into anxiety-ridden events for children whose parents are divorced . . ." Emery wrote in a response to Li's findings.
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